Sunday, February 14, 2010

guilty pleasures...

I broke down and indulged.
I couldn't help myself. I caved.

I figure it's alright though, because isn't Valentines Day an excuse for indulging in guilty pleasures?

I've never been one to shun candy. I love me some good chocolate. Or beautiful flowers. Or extra long kisses...but I don't buy into the whole Valentine's Day "I love you so much that today and only today I'm going to show exactly how much by sending you flowers chocolates and cheesey cards" retail thang.

But I DO love guilty pleasures.

You probably have heard that the northwest got hammered again with snow. Presently, there is about 8-10 inches (and growing) of snow on the ground right outside my door and I don't even live in the snow belt. I like snow, I'm prepared for this kindof weather, so I say, "Bring It." I have a Jeep Commander that loves this stuff, I have a plowing service, a snowblower, I ski, I sled and I have a new pair of snow shoes. So c'mon Mother Nature, seriously, bring it on...

My guilty pleasure, my indulgence, stems directly from this recent snowfall.

Friday afternoon as I was sitting in my office reading my favorite blogs and I happened to hear the sound of wheels spinning. Not uncommon as our plows haven't been able to keep up, but these wheels were really spinning and it sounded rather close-by. It was also accompanied by many four letter words.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzttttttt. "F*ck!"
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzttttttttt. "S*it!"
ZZZZZzzzttttt.Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzttttttt. "F*ckin' F*ck, MotherF*ck'er!"

Now, you must know at this point of the story, I live across the street from an Elementary School.

It's 3pm.

There are little kids and parents picking up said little kids everywhere. If I can hear this inside my home, up on the second floor, in my office, with the windows closed...can you imagine what it sounded like down where this was happening?

I stood up and looked out my window and what did mine eyes perceive? But my obnoxious next door neighbor completely stuck in the apron of her driveway.

Now before you go and get all, "Nancy, that's not nice to laugh at someone else's misfortune." Let me set you straight on what I've had to live with these past two years of her tenancy next door.

My neighborhood is comprised of mostly single family homes with a smattering of duplex's mixed in. The house next door is a duplex. The neighbor is question lives on the first floor. A renter. I think with a male roommate, but there are so many people coming and going, I'm not sure anymore.

They have odd hours. Coming home at 2 or 3am, leaving other days at 5am. I've but talked to them once. They pull in. They go in the house. The come out of the house, get in their car and drive away. I've been out front doing yard work when they've pulled in before and don't so much as get a wave. It's a little odd.

I'm quite tolerant. I've never created a fuss, although this does get a little old. Me thinks she could take her trash can out sometime the day or night before, not at 4am in the morning...dragging it. Making all kinds of noise clanging her bottle recyclables against the pavement all the way down the drive. Did I mention it's 4am? Yeah. Real considerate. Very neighborly.

But as I say, I'm tolerant. Plus I don't want to start a neighbor, 'I'm going to call the police' war. I can see them trying to get back at me by calling every time my dogs bark or the kids play on the trampoline. So I've been patient. And kept my mouth shut.

The other morning they arrived home and woke me from a dead slumber. The music was so loud is was as if I had turned on my own stereo in my bedroom as I slept. I turned and looked at my bedside clock. 2:04 am the damn thing glowed at me in it's ambient blue light.

I got up, wiped the sleep from my eyes and hobbled over to the window. As I peered out the back window into my neighbors driveway three levels below, the music got louder. My neighbor was doing her rendition of a soft shoe, holding a beer, in the driveway next to the drivers open door. Phish. And like most Phish or Dead songs went on forever. Dancing. Soft shoe. In the driveway. 2am Weeknight.

Yes. It was a Wednesday night. Or Thursday morning, depending on how you look at it.

Her house stands between mine (complete with 11 year old daughter) and my neighbors ( two daughters 10 and 13) who both have school aged children. In the summer, although annoying, it's somewhat acceptable. I get that. Summer nights. Heavy drinking. Incoherent, unruly, inconsiderate neighbors...whatev'.

But to err in waking a sleeping child on a weeknight so you can continue your party in your driveway? Hmmmm. Not so acceptable.

They are either just too dumb and young to know that they live in a residential neighborhood. There are responsibilities that go along with living in such neighborhoods.

*We all care for our yards.
*We take out our trash.
*We try not to offend our neighbors.


Oh! They must not have gotten that memo! The one that makes them compassionate human beings? Assets to the community?

Yeah.....that one.

So to see her out stuck in her driveway not knowing what to do?
That was my Valentines Day present.

I enjoyed seeing her upset and flabbergasted.

A good Samaritan pulled into my freshly plowed driveway to try to help. She retrieved a shovel from her trunk and went to try to shovel the blockage from the driveway apron. "Rock the car!", she yelled to my neighbor.

"Whaaaaatttttttt?! Do whaatttttttttt?", she whined.

"ROCK the car.", the good Samaritan yelled back. "You DO know how to rock the car?"

"Ummmmm. Whhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaattttttttt?"

I'm holding my head thinking....'Dear God, How dumb can this girl REALLY be?'

"Here. Let me get in.", Ms. Good Samaritan offered.

So the lady who has stopped to help this sloth out of her situation because she didn't even check the driveway and obviously has no idea to do with the shovel she's just been handed has now gotten into the drivers seat of the dumb ass girls car.

Another gentleman pulls up and in his suit and tie gets out to try to help as well.

Dumb girl stands in her pajama pants (did I mention this is 3:00pm?) and gloveless hands, holding a shovel while two strangers dig her shit out of her own driveway....I stand and watch.

And take pictures.

Valentines Day. Guilty Pleasures.

They unstuck her car. I had sooooo hoped she'd had been inconvenienced for awhile. That would've been fun. A little karmic payback.

But just like chocolates. Guilty pleasures don't last long.
Although I have photos, so I can look at those anytime I want. How fun for me.

That's almost better than chocolate.


Footnote Update: You'll all be happy to know that since my neighbors are seemingly too lazy to shovel their driveway, and not bright enough to hire someone to do it for them, she's been parking in the street. And right now, my Valentines Day bliss has doubled! The snow plows have her buried in the street. Of course, there are LARGE SIGNS posted that our street has a snow ban. Which means you don't park in the street if there is more than 2" of snow...because they WILL plow. And you WILL get buried.

Should I loan her my shovel? My snowblower?

Nope.I'm charging my video camera...


Happy Valentines Day! I hope you can enjoy a few guilty pleasures yourself!


  1. I do love some poetic justice! But like you said, too bad it ended too soon. Too bad good samaratin's are good and help everyone without checking first to see if it's a dumbass they're helping :-) Sounds like she moved there from Florida (your description of her sounds like 90% of Floridians--aptly named Foridiots here in NC). I'll be racking my brain for a solution to your dumbass neighbor problem. Hey, I'm here to help ;-)

  2. Oh, and Happy Valentine's Day to you too!

  3. What a wonderful Valentine's Gift!
    No need for a bow!
    Enjoy the rest of your day... chocolates at the ready ;-)

  4. You are a wicked, wicked girl --- and that's why I like you so much! This was too funny! The only good thing about the damsel in distress being helped so fast is that her foul mouth stopped spewing forth sewage so the little kids didn't have to hear it!

    Happy Valentine's Day!

  5. Hahahahaha. That is what I call Karma :) This sounds exactly like my dad's neighbors in FL. Every time I go visit they are listening to music and talking in their garage with the door open. Except they don't start until midnight! On week nights!

    I will revel in your karmic justice as well. Happy Vday!

  6. Hahahaha! Or should I say, nana na na!

  7. The one good thing about her being a renter is that she probably won't last as your neighbor too long. Here's hopin' anyway.

    Happy V Day!

  8. @Pat - The obscenities I thought was in pretty bad taste. Granted, I've been known to drop a F bomb (or two), but not when there are children around. She's just oblivious.
    I have such a small tolerance for ignorance.

    @Kimberly - THAT is the one thing that I keep holding onto for hope...that she's a renter. And can't possibly last long. Of course, she's now been there for two years.



  9. I cant stand to see an perfectly able bodied person rely on other perfectly able bodied people to help them out of dumb situations they got themselved into. What a POS. At least you got to watch her squirm for a bit.

    Happy Valentines Day!

  10. Love the pix, looking forward to the video! Finally a little karmic justice! As you said, better than chocolate.

    Who said "You can't fix stupid." It's SO true.

  11. Hahaha...payback, she is a "B"!

  12. The entire time I was reading your post I was hoping the parking-in-the-street part would come into play. I love it! Can't wait to see the video!

  13. Can't wait to hear about how she gets out of being plowed in! Pictures please!

  14. Oh that is just the best moment ever.... I love when people get what's coming to them!!!

  15. Love it! Sounds like my upstairs neighbors who stomp around above my head all day long and apparently have no jobs.

  16. LOL! It really is the simple things that make life worth living, isn't it? Although I'm pretty tolerant myself, it does my heart good to see someone get what they deserve.

    Enjoy your chocolates! :)

  17. Gotta love karma-especially when its as funny as this.

  18. Ah, I wish I would've been there, Nancy... I would have broken out a bottle of wine and pulled a couple of chairs up to the window to watch! Every once in awhile you do get some payback for all the annoyance!

  19. hehehe serves her right the little cow. lmao

  20. Isn't is soooo sweet when you are there to watch someone reap what they sow? Oh, how I love me some karma when it is dished appropriately! YES!

    GREAT VALENTINE's day gift....

    Might be fun to leave some photos anonymously in her mail box, just for sxxts and giggles!


  21. Oh, wickedly delicious! This is much better than chocolate. I look forward to the video.

    Happy V Day!

  22. Karma is a beautiful thing. One can only hope that someday, years from now, she will feel terrible at what a stupid jerk she was in her youth. Sadly, I put the odds on that at about 1%. She'll probably still be blithely creating ill will and blaming all her own crap on others. sigh.

  23. The one certain thing in this world is karma. Glad you were around to see it. I've developed an inner disgust toward people who are too old and still listen to Phish. Seems like an excuse to melt away into zero responsibility and annoyingness.

  24. The Perfect treat, Fullfilling, Sweet, Zero Calories, and Cavity Free.

  25. I know all to well about the NON assests to the community. I have been trying to figure out my new neighbors schedule for a while. I keep telling myself..they have school aged kids, so they must have some kind of schedule. They come and go at all hours of the day and night.

    I love how you relish in the little things!

  26. Love it and so glad you took pictures!! Pay Back!

  27. I am rolling...I have known these types before and there are so many of them out in the world today.

    Happy Valentine's Day, even if it is so wrong! Every once in a while it is nice to sit back and watch someone else suffer just because you have put up with so much of their B.S.

  28. Yep, it doesn't really get much better than this. Sit back and enjoy....!

  29. Hey Nancy! You are a bad, bad woman. I'd do the same. Indigo

  30. Oh nancy! lol

    Have you seen the movie "Disturbia"? i think of this movie when I think about you watching out your window...maybe sipping on a nice hot cup of herbal tea....watching the real life entertainment going on just next door.

    I don't fault you for finding humor in her misfortune, i have a hard time having sympathy for people who are more than capable of taking care of business, but just are too lazy, or too ignorant to realize that it just takes effort to make your life more convenient....livable...

    Good neighbors are hard to come by...maybe you should move to Delphos! ;)


  31. Happy Valentine's to you! I do too have little tolerance for ignorance... and I truly believe karma is a b@%tch.

  32. OMG, during the big storm last Wednesday I was shoveling my walkway and parking space in my townhouse neighborhood when I saw a neighbor shoveling while his impatient wife looked on. His car was running and he said to her, "It's gonna take at least an hour to get out of here." She stalked off, clearly upset. I figured they HAD to be dealing with an emergency to be heading out in the blizzard, so I walked over and offered to help. While shoveling, I said, "You're bonkers to try to drive in this! Where could you possibly be going?" Her snooty response? "Out." She was just BORED and looking to get out of the house! I was like, "Well good luck to you." And promptly stopped shoveling. What a couple of idiots, right? I honestly hoped they got stuck in a snowbank while they were "out" in the middle of the worst storm PA has seen in years. Some people truly are just that dumb.

  33. ..."And right now, my Valentines Day bliss has doubled! The snow plows have her buried in the street"...


    ..."Should I loan her my shovel? My snowblower?"...

    No way. Sit inside your house and eat some dark chocolate, Godiva!

  34. You totally crack me up, I feel your pain and jubilation all in one shot with this one!

    Suppose she would get the hint if you sent her on a errand to the store 4 states away, and while she is gone pile all the snow removal from the block in her drive?

  35. I'm totally good with a joyful bit of schadenfreude. ;-) Too bad her transmission didn't blow up.

    I'm a big believer in cop wars. That's what they get paid for. If a neighbor's being a jerk, call the cops. Harass them into submission or into moving out. ;-) It doesn't preclude you from being nice when you see them, but their bad behavior deserves to be punished consistently until they change or leave.

    Thank you for visiting me and reminding me to add you to my reader. I had forgotten. ;-)

    Happy Valentine's Day, late.

  36. This just made me laugh out loud! What totally perfect karma and I'm glad that you got to witness it!

  37. I love this. Sweet revenge, and you don't have to do anything to achieve it, just sit back and enjoy!

  38. Karma kicks back!! I'll drink for that!!

  39. Very nice! I took great pleasure in reading this. Karma is a bitch and got hers good.

  40. I have to say that I would be getting on my boots to run out and help her and my husband would be pulling me back in saying, "Leave her to stew in her own juice, she deserves it."

  41. some people were holding thimbles when brains were being passed out....

    if we get any more snow I expect you'll receive more of these gifts - unfortunately these folks don't seem to learn the lesson that they send more time dealing with the mess by avoiding cleaning up the mess! a shame that good samaritans are only enabling such behavior.

    oh, I posted a follow up comment on the snap, but realize you might not come back - my question was are there other new bakeries in town other than blackbird and the root? if so, let me know!!!!

    document, document that's my middle name! har har

  42. LOLOLOLOL! This is hilarious! I've enjoyed a wonderful giggle! Thank you for sharing.


  43. Oh yeah, that's better than chocolate: no calories!

    To top it off, I have a little something for you over my way. And thanks for another great post.

  44. Oh, this was priceless! See? It all comes back to you in the really does.

    And you know what they can't pick your relatives or your neighbors....

    Great post, though...

  45. Your tollerance of your neighbour certainly was rewarded, this made me chuckle out loud - especially the bit about her car getting buried by the snow plough! Just beautiful!

  46. Love it! I can't wait to see the video! ;)

  47. :) I'm glad you enjoyed your Valentines Day treat! I know I did - I so enjoy your writing.


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