Have you ever woken yourself up at night? And then wondered...'What the hell?'
Last night as I was happily snoozing away and I hear Gwwack! Loud.
Good Lord, what an amazing sound! It was so deafening and annoying that it woke me from my slumber. My mind somehow acknowledges that the sound has emanated from me, although I wish I could blame it on something else. I didn't even know I could make such a noise.
The scores are running the board. 7.5 - 7.0 - 8.0 - 8.0 - 9.5!
Yes! A nine point five!
She's done it ladies and gentlemen! Almost a perfect score!
Nancy has reached the pinnacle of her sleeping career with this unbelievable display of sleep apnea!
I've talked to you about this before. This inability to get a good nights rest. I've tried many things to induce a deep sleep.
Melatonin. Nope. That seems to work the opposite on me. I take it and 20 minutes later when a 'normal' person would be in a deep sleep lala land, I'm tossing and turning; tying my legs in knots within my down comforters.
Tylenol PM. Huh-uh. Nothing. I'm just spinning in my sheets with a feeling of Jimmy Hendrix purple haze.
Blue Moon pints with a Washington Apple shot chaser. Yeah. That doesn't work either. Fun and delicious, but not a sleep provider. And no, martinis or wine don't work either. They just make me snore louder.
But last night I was actually asleep. I could tell. Johnny Depp was sitting by my bedside reading The Hobbit to me, glancing over time and again to make sure I was comfortable. And then, Gwwack! I woke myself up. I remember apologizing aloud. I didn't want Johnnny to get the wrong impression of his muse. But he was no longer there and the dogs couldn't have cared less about what was going on. They rolled over, garnering a little bit more of the space left on the bed and stretched. It didn't matter to them what sound I emitted, sleeping or not, as long as it wasn’t a command to “Get Down!“.
I'd like to believe that I sleep like those you see in the soft lit scenes from movies. When they do a close up and the sleeping beauty is just that...a beauty. A soft glow illuminating the perfect skin and hair while the heroine sleeps peacefully. Lips slightly parted, brows unfurrowed. A man watches her rest. And because of her obvious perfection she has become the object of his desire, adoration filling his eyes. She lies there, peaceful; flawless.
I don't think I fit that picture.
I don’t want to disturb the impeccable image you have developed of me, but I need to clarify a few things that may change your opinion. I have to get up a few times in the night to readjust my pajamas as they have managed to twist and wedge themselves into places they weren’t meant to inhabit. That and flip over my pillow in order to get a dry spot on the pillow case due to my drooling. My lips aren't slightly parted, they are relaxed and slack. my jaw opening wider with each deep breath. My hair looks as though I spin and breakdance throughout the night on my pillows and because of the dogs, I contort my body into unnatural positions while I'm unconscious. I look more like those sick people you see in the NyQuil commercials as they snore their way to a perfect nights rest than that of Liv Tyler in Lord of the Rings. I don’t sleep gracefully. I toss and I turn. I drool and I now find out I make sounds like Gwwack! when I sleep.
I remember one New Years Eve skiing with friends. On a whim several couples decided to trek over to Peak N’Peak, a nearby ski resort in Pennsylvania, for the holiday. We all shared a small condo for the festivities as all the large houses had been booked long before. The couple that pulled it together got the one available bedroom and the rest of us camped out in the large great room. It was a blast. We didn’t mind the close quarters.
After the first night there, we all awoke stiff from the skiing and sleeping on the floor; and groggy from a night of swilling local wine. The recollections and stories of events of the previous day started over breakfast. We all laughed about how we stole Lee’s clothes while he was in the hot tub. And he, not a modest fellow, got us all back by not caring and walking about naked. Gail was a primper, hogging the only bathroom. So we turned off the hot water halfway through her 12 minute shower to make a point. In turn she over seasoned our Salmon that evening leaving us all scurrying for dry bread to cool the burn of the red pepper flakes. We teased Barber that he didn’t need that name since he was going bald; rapidly. And Suzie informed us that my ex and I were perfect for each other. Not only had she noticed that for breakfast he ate the yolks of our eggs and I the whites, but as we slept…we made music.
No. Not that kind of music. At least at that moment, thank you, but seemingly choreographed snore music to the delight of those sharing our immediate sleeping space. He emitted snores by air out and I apparently, snored in. Who knew?
I don't have much knowledge of Sleep Apnea and had to do a little Google’ing about it. I find out that this is indeed the culprit for my lack of quality rest. My brain has to continually wake me up because I have stopped breathing while I sleep.
I called and spoke with my doctor about my sleeping habits. He feels we should run some tests, but basically told me that my brain now is on alert; always ready to wake me. It thinks that at any time I will stop with my in and out air flow, so it’s ready to nudge me into awake mode that allows me to live just a little bit longer. This process doesn't allow me to get to the proper depth of sleep needed for REM mode. So I wake each morning still unrested. Still tired. Still in need of recharge.
So not only are my dreams of looking peaceful and fabulous while I sleep dashed, but it looks as if those deep nights restful sleep are like a carrot dangling in front of a horse. I want them, but may not get them anytime soon.
I don't think I'm going to be winning any beauty contests while sleep comotose in the near future. If ever. I sure do hope that someday my Prince Charming is enthralled by the sound of Gwwack! and the coolness of my drool. Or at least tolerant of it.
That’d be cool.
Just like the flip side of the pillow…
FOOTNOTE: On the recommendation of many of you, I did a little search on those CPAP machines. Although it seems that this is the solution, and may indeed 'improve my quality of life', I will look into them and ask my doctor about being fitted.
I am further put aside about my future appearance in bed though with wearing said contraption. My Prince might no longer have to hear Gwwack! but hopefully he will be a big Sci-Fi movie fan. I'm a mouth breather, so the masks that look to fit me would make me to look a little like the Alien from the movie Predator. How attractive. Even if I were wearing make-up like the starlets in films, you would never know it under all the cords, belts and hoses.
I suppose that I'll get extrodinary rest and look a million times better in the morning! Perhaps if I take Marvin the Martian point and sleep sans pajamas then perhaps no one will notice the head gear? I think the spelling for this machine should be changed to CRAP.