Wednesday, October 20, 2010

enough is enough...

Enough is enough.

How many times have you heard that phrase? Have you really understood what it meant? At least by the person that said it?

We live in a time of control. Of time tables. Of deadlines. Of limits. If a person can’t get their work done, they are labeled as lazy, or a procrastinator. Always ten minutes late? Some researchers say it’s because of an inability to control impulses. Like eating the last few bites of anything on your plate even though you are full. Impulse. Lack of control.

I get stressed out when my calendar gets too crazy. Rushing gives me anxiety. I hate not being on time. I don’t enjoy nagging my daughter to "Hurry Up! We’re going to be late!” as she tries to get the perfect twist of her bangs to clip back when getting ready for school. As I stand there watching I don’t see any difference between the first clip and the eighth. But apparently number eight was a winner because now she’s ready to go.

I have lists that run in my head. Sometimes it keeps me up at night because I am thinking of all the things that I need to get accomplished the next day. It’s a catch 22. There are times during the day that I run out of steam to get everything done. Then I don’t sleep well. Then I am tired.

It gets rather annoying.

But enough is enough. I’ve started taking things off my schedule that aren't absolutely necessary. I’ve learned that you don’t have to eat that last slice of pizza. It’s okay to leave things on your plate. I've been okay with saying 'No'. I’ve learned that when you feel that you’ve given something your best shot and it hasn’t worked out…you walk away and say, “Enough is enough.”

It’s a big sentence considering it’s only made up of three words and fourteen letters.

Enough: adj.  occurring in such quantity, quality, or scope as to fully meet demands, needs, or expectations.

My big enough is enough happened ten days ago. After trying to communicate that I was unhappy and have continued to be unhappy with my relationship with the man I was dating for some time. I didn't mean for it to go the way it did. Normally, I would get to a point where I had to say something. We’d talk. Time would pass and nothing would really change and then many months later I would end up getting to a point where I had to say something. We’d talk. Time would pass and then many months later I would end up getting to a point where I had to say something. We’d talk…

Do you see a trend?

Do that for six+ years! Oh yeah…I had a enough is enough moment last weekend. Like an Oprah ’Aha!’ moment and I called it off. For real. No going backwards. No accepting of lame apologies or excuses. No listening to any of the banter that kept me caged in a codependent relationship for six fucking years. Everything that I've been unhappy with came rushing in and smashed through the wall that I've been building in my brain to keep all the bad out.

How did I get here? I am SO much smarter than this!
How did I get to a point to let myself be manipulated and then demeaned? I deserve more than this!
How did I allow myself to be mentally abused? I AM better than that!

I didn’t grow up as one of those girls in high school that felt ruined if she didn’t have a current crush or boyfriend. I dated, but it didn’t define who I was. I had friends in college that always had to have a guy taking her out or she would cry. That wasn’t me either. I've had my share of broken hearts. It’s never easy. It’s never fun. But sometimes it’s takes as broken heart to find out more about yourself in order to make it heal.

I’ve done quite of bit of soul searching in the last few months. During that time I discovered that I had become complacent about my level of unhappiness. I didn’t speak up for what it was I wanted. What I needed. I became disheartened by having to ask for approval, for acceptance, for love. I was in denial, no doubt about it. I shielded myself from the real truth and pretended that everything was okay. But it wasn’t. I did not have the mental strength or fortitude to put it to rest and move on.

But I did.
Yup. Finally. I finally got up the nerve to address it head on and say, “Enough is enough.”

Each day gets a little easier. I have moments of weakness when I want to call, to reach out…but why? And each time this urge comes about there's been a sign that has kept me from picking up the phone. A total stranger rings the doorbell. I answer with red rimmed eyes. She asks, “Is everything okay?” I apologize for my appearance and tell her that I’ve a recent breakup with a long time boyfriend. She nods in understanding. We talk for bit about why she’s on my doorstep. I sign the petition. We share a few laughs and as she’s walking down the sidewalk she turns and says, “Stay strong. If he didn’t try to win you back, he’s a fool and you’re better off without him.”

Words from a stranger. Perfectly timed.

Yesterday I sat down in my office to check my e-mail. I picked up the phone sitting beside me and dialed his number. There was no answer. Thank God. In the next few moments though I got a text ‘Hey. You okay?’ ‘OK’, I responded, ‘You?’ I don’t want to let on that I’m having a tough time this morning. I feel empty. Sad. I want to keep it brief, impersonal, but I have things that I‘d like, need to say to him. ‘Can we talk? ‘Sure. When though?’ he answers.

During this brief exchange the dogs start to bark frantically. The kind of bark that lets me know someone is in the driveway. I had forgotten that I asked my window cleaner guy to help me move some stuff that’s too big for me to move alone. He is standing on my deck. It interrupts the messaging.

“Are you okay?” Chuck asks, concern on his face, "You don't look like yourself." I haven’t showered yet although it is mid morning. I’ve dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep. I know I've had better days. I briefly explain the recent turn of events. As I fill my mug, I offer him some coffee. We have a nice talk. I’ve known Chuck for 10 years, maybe more. He’s a sincere and honest guy. He’s had his problems and his demons but he wears them as a badge of honor. He’s a This is where I’ve been-This is where I’m going kind of guy. He shares with me a story of when he saw my boyfriend at a bar years ago. They were talking. They got wasted. They got into a debate that turned into an argument. My boyfriend does that. He likes to push buttons. He likes to get a reaction, especially wilst drinking. Chuck doesn’t stand for that shit. He wouldn’t stop pushing so Chuck knocked him off the barstool. "I just brushed him off and he fell." Chuck told me. The bartender came by and said she was going to call the police. Chuck said not to bother, he was leaving anyway. “No. Not because of you…because of him.” she gestured to none other than my boyfriend.

I had never heard this story. Apparently Chuck had been asked not to share it. “She doesn’t need to know where I am…all the time.” Really? With the amount of freedom the guy has I had no idea what bar went to with friends was a secret. Perhaps there was more to the secrecy than I’ll ever know. Chuck told me, “I liked him, or tried to, Nance, because you did.”

A sentiment that has reverberated through everyone that I’ve spoken of this to. “It’s you we like. It was never him. We liked him because you did.” Brooke told me, “You’re a Rock Star! Don’t ever be a groupie. Especially to him. YOU’RE the star.”

Now this may be banter to make me feel better. And I admit that some of it does. But at the same time, if that had been the case, shouldn’t some of my friends said something to me about their worries of my mate before? It might have saved me some time that cannot ever be replaced. 2,390 days to be exact.  2,390 fucking days.

Now granted, it wasn't all bad. We did have some fun. I enjoyed my time spent with him. Early on. So you can shave off a few of those days for that purpose...but geez, that's a lot. A LOT of wasted time. All things have their time and place. It’s like the saying, “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink.” Perhaps I was that horse. Not yet willing to drink. Not quite sure if the water was just right. I wanted to wait. I had hopes. Hell, I'm an optimist.

I once read something from my fellow blogger Mike who wrote, 'It brings me great joy to see the light in my fiancées eyes when she smiles…' I never got that from my boyfriend. I would hvae never gotten that from him. I don’t know if he even noticed if I smiled or not. As it turns out I've been living the life of a battered woman. Always there to take a little bit more.

He sent a note yesterday. One of apology. One of supposed remorse. “I feel so bad to have caused you grief and sadness. I miss both you and Boo each day I’m not there. I love you both." Bleck. Make me puke. "I do wish the best for both you and Boo and hope that I can send you things, such as gifts and messages and funny jokes and maybe we could hang out sometimes…”

Did I read that right? Are you fucking kidding me?
Hang out? Send us things?

Yeah…lets hang out over a pint of beer and discuss what a fucking joke I’ve become. Lets go and have a discussion at the pub while your married ex-girlfriend with two kids sends you text messages about how she 'listens to your voicemails and dreams of your hands on her and how you rip her clothes off at a party in a closet.' Lets talk about the return reprimand of “why do you do this! You know Nancy sometimes checks my Blackberry” when she asked why she should use the other e-mail address.

The other e-mail address? Well now. There’s a whole lot of nothing good going on with that, I’m sure. Granted, this is not breaking news. That e-mail? That came a year ago. The e-mail change request was in March. Nothing new, but the hurt is still there. The hurt never goes away. It just gets buried until…well, now.

Sure. Lets go ‘hang out’ and be best friends. Sounds like a great night out. Bah.

Get a grip buddy.
You had plenty of time to ‘hang out’ with me. You just took it for granted. You messed up. Big time. You don’t treat people like that and then expect to be friends.

No. You cannot send us gifts.

No. You cannot send me messages or funny jokes.

No. I do not want to hang out with you ever again.

No. You gave up the right to be my friend.

I think my response shocked him. ‘Wow’, he texted. Apparently he thought he had subdued the real Nancy into a pile of mush without backbone that would say, “Ok honey. Sure that sounds great! Should I pick up your dry cleaning on the way?”

“I don’t believe that we will never speak again or that we won’t be friends (at least I hope not)….” he writes in the letter. Friends? Talk? Seriously?

I have half a mind to send Annas husband the transcripts of her messages. I wonder if he might enjoy her prose. I bet that would make for some wonderful holiday season fodder. Perhaps each of her kids could draw out pictures of their whoring mother on their Christmas stockings.

But I won’t.

I can think of that and it brings me pleasure to think of it, but I won't. You see, I'm human. I get hurt. I have thoughts of retaliation but I’m not cruel like my boyfriend or his texting girlfriend in Washington State. No, Karma is a bitch. I’d place bets that both will find out that you can’t dodge Karma.

Enough is enough.

Fourteen beautiful little letters to live by.

“I hope you can forgive me.” he writes. Forgiveness. Perhaps someday, but not today. Not tomorrow. Not anytime in the near future by my predictions. This isn’t the only texting experience that I’ve had to endure. There have been two…No, five altogether, not including the hookers called from the land line. Five. Yes, the man (if he could have that title) has had plenty of opportunity to straighten up. He’s had a chance to fly right. I've forgiven him many times. Already. But no…he chose to make me believe that this was indeed MY fault. Because I ‘couldn’t fulfill him sexually.

Excuse me? Come again?
Please tell me you didn’t say that. And to my face.

Fulfill him sexually.

Get a load of that.That is the excuse made for all of his indiscretions. That is the basis for all wrongs commited towards me. He has continued to use me  for two thousand three hundred and ninety days because it was convenient and comfortable for him to do so. And I allowed him to do it because Bear loved him and would sit watching television holding his hand.

I’m so glad I finally found my mind that I’d managed to misplace. I am sitting here wondering how I could have possibly been attracted to such a man? Why would I have put up with all of this for so long? Why would I believe anything that he ever said to me? "I hope you can forgive me." 
I’m actually a bit happy to hold onto this anger for the time being. It allows me to stay focused. It keeps my head clear of ‘woe is me’ thoughts. It creates a mantra in my mind…

Enough is enough.

I have had enough. Enough to last me my lifetime, thank you. I might have this sentiment tattooed on me so I will never. Ever. Forget it again.

Footnote:    Yes, to those of you might have already guessed. This is the same friend who told me that ‘My blog doesn‘t matter.”

As my mother might have said...Good riddance to bad rubbish.


  1. Ha, well, your blog DOES matter and he DOESN'T. Perhaps later he'll see the difference. Good for you-you deserve better than that. :)

  2. You matter, your daughter matters and your blog matters! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

    Your mother was a wise woman and she would be very proud of your strength and determination. I'm proud of you too :) Stay strong!

  3. i just wanted to say thank you - I've been struggling with something similar and have also said I'm better than this and enough is enough. Still hurts but your words have reminded me that I am worth so much more than what I was accepting and I deserve way more than what was given. THANK YOU!

  4. SO glad to have you back, Nance! Keep that focus, stay strong, and don't get sucked into something that's not making you 100% happy - you OWE it to yourself! :o) Big hugs.

  5. What a DOUCHE! You are so much better off now without that a-hole! Believe me you did Boo a favor by ditching this guy. Your self-respect and self-esteem are way more important than a man who seems to have issues with his manhood if he thinks that whoring around is a justifiable method of proving he's a male. Good for you!

    I'm with your Mom :) Remember you are the cool one, not some idiot who's texts are of dubious grammar skills!

  6. Proud to see you stood up for yourself. Be vigilant and dont slip back. Better days are ahead. What matters is what matters to you.

  7. good for you. enough really is enough. sometimes it takes us awhile to figure these things out, but I think it takes the time it needs to take. we never really know how inside of ourselves we are, but it's a moment of enlightenment when we finally see it. hold onto yourself, you're strong and fabulous and you deserve better.


  8. Putting aside whether or not your blog matters - YOU most certainly do - and since your blog is an extension of you - it does too as does your daughter.

    I read this entry with growing horror. I know personally (being single) how much I want to "be with someone" - and how I've not done so good with letting someone(s) go when I should have but I can ... hear what you say pretty clearly.

    Just don't turn this (the breakup) around and make it something you beat yourself up over. What we as humans do from an emotional center - is beyond the control of the intellect... it's not a sign of being stupid. It's a sign of someone that wants to love someone and be loved back - and there isn't anything in the world wrong with that.


  9. P.s., that total stranger that said, “Stay strong. If he didn’t try to win you back, he’s a fool and you’re better off without him.” is not only right, she made me say, "Amen sister!"

  10. My heart is breaking for you and for boo. But woot, woot for getting that asshole out of your lives.

  11. I am sorry for your heart ache. I agree with everyone you did the right thing- for you and your daughter. Sending heart mending thoughts and prayers...

  12. I had a marriage like that. Took me 15 years to figure out that I didn't need to keep taking the punishment he could dish out and that changing me wasn't going to fix the problems. I finally had my "enough is enough" moment. My final "enough is enough" moment. That's about when Willie Nelson's "Forgiving you is easy but forgetting takes a long long time" song became my theme song. I could forgive - but I wasn't forgetting or going for another repeat performance.

    Hang in there - there are better things out there!

  13. Wow. Just wow. You can do better. You will do better.

  14. Sorry for the heartache but sometimes things we need the most hurt the worst. And HELL YES you matter. Both Boo and you deserve so much more.

    We are in your corner. :)
    Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

  15. Holy shit. You spent about 2389 days too long with him. I'm so sorry he treated you badly. Next time you'll do better at picking a man who isn't an ass. ;-)

  16. Thank you so much for sharing so honestly! I know too many women (myself included) that struggle in relationships much like yours and allow ourselves to be taken advantage of. I am glad that you stood up and said enough is enough and are moving on despite how difficult it is. You may never know how your experience may give others hope that they can do the same thing.

    By the way, your blog DOES matter and I am glad to have you back and I'm glad you told him NO you can't be friends. Why do they always think they can just linger around and hurt us more?

  17. Nancy, first of all, I am SO glad to read you again. Thanks for sharing your words full of passion, sentiment, anger, but above all, love... for yourself!!
    "“You’re a Rock Star! Don’t ever be a groupie. " not for a man, nor for a friend, not even for a loved one. YOU are the star!! big virtual hug to let you know we are with you!

  18. It would seem life can be a series of "enoughs". People, jobs, wars and such. I wonder if at the core of it all it's just a matter of coping and finding personal peace. Has life ever been easy?

  19. I feel your pain.

    "Can you we be friends?" This statement from someone who disrespected you is laughable. A Friend is honest, trustworthy, understanding, compassionante, and has reciprocity. Ironically, these are same values you desire in a partner so if he does not have these as a boyfriend, I see why you would not want him as a friend, ever. When you feel weak, reread this blog post, and you'll never have to say enough is enough again. You deserve to be happy and truly loved.

  20. Finding the courage to say Enough is harder than just floating through the muck. Even harder than that is having the courage and will power to stay with that conviction. It is so easy to fall back into the muck just to try to make the pain go away. Stay mad my friend, it helps!

    You don't deserve to be used and abused! You deserve to be cherished, treasured and protected! Not lies, conniving and secrecy!

    Just like I said in my last post...How many times are you going to accept the words "I'm sorry"?

  21. I'm so sorry you endured what you did. I'm glad that he's finally gone. You and your daughter don't need crap like that in your lives. Stay strong and every day will look brighter and brighter.

  22. I've been there. You don't even want friends like him. It will get better--for you and your daughter.

    I missed what I wished I had...not what I actually had. Was mad at myself for wasting so much time and felt like a fool. You're not alone.

    You deserve better. Actions speak louder than words-words-words. Hang in there, Lady! Your heart will stop bleeding and life will shine again. **hugs**

  23. Oh, Nancy how this post hit home. We must have been dating the same asshole or version of him (although I sadly admit mine was quite a bit older than yours). But yes, we act like DV victims, we continue to let them back in to continue to hurt us and treat us like shit then somehow make us feel as if we are to blame.

    You are sooo sooo smart to say no to being friends, I've tried, it does not work, it is just a way for them to retain power and control and make you feel shitty all over again. And you'll just beat yourself up about it later.

    Print your post and hang it above your desk so that in one of those weak moments when he calls or writes or you think maybe you could just be friends (this is the voice of experience talking) you can read it and get that anger back and remain strong.

    He doesn't deserve you and yes Karma is a bitch and will come back to bite him.

    You are an amazing woman, with a boat load of friends (even if many of us are virtual) that got your back sister.

  24. Doesn't matter? Really?

    Anytime you can put your heart and toughts into words and share them with others, it matters. He needs to take a look at himself and realize that what matters to him has lost him you. Telling me that what matters to him has no value to the rest of us.

    Hold your head high and be proud of yourself for droping the dead weight from your life. Sounds like some you time is in order!


  25. Okay, so it took awhile to get rid of the guy. You're a forgiving person. Don't get down on yourself. MOVE ON! The guy is an asshole. There is no changing him. He would never be faithful.

    You are woman, hear you ROAR!! Be strong!

  26. The world will not jump off it's axis if you do what you need to do! And, don't look back!

  27. Thank you to EVERYONE for all their wonderful comments. AND support.

    On one hand, this has been easy to do as it's been needed to be done for some time. On the other, there HAVE been moments when I've waffled. It was at THESE moments when another supportive comment would come through on my phone and I would again have that strength or as Pat put it ROAR! to say "Oh Hell No".

    So thank you. One and all. :-)

    It's not 'him' that I long for...I miss what I WISH I had but didn't but thought I might.


  28. Thanks for this Blog, you have put things into words that I couldn't. I thought I set the example so that my friends would see what I was doing and not go there themselves. You and all my friends told me in High School that you didn't like my boyfriend but I didn't listen. I got pregnant, married him, believed in his empty promises, took the abuse and accepted his apologies with the teary puppy-dog eyes way too long. It took me 22 years to get to the "Enough is Enough" point, but once I did, I never cried and never looked back. It's amazing the boost your self esteem gets when there isn't someone there continually pounding it down. Keep looking forward and don't settle for any less than you deserve. You are strong - He has found the wrath - ROAR!

  29. All of us out here in bloggerland make mistakes in life, and fight the trees to find the forest. Quit beating yourself that energy into the made a healthy decision for your family...time's a'wasting so get out there and have that healthy happy life you deserve.

  30. I once read somewhere "I'd rather be miserable, than alone." And, this is why we hold on for so long to what we KNOW in our hearts isn't right. We always have hope but hope can be a real bitch sometimes. And it sucks. It'll sneak up on'll be laying there in bed and you'll remember a LONG LONG time ago when he held you just right...and when that happens you think, oh but maybe......ugh. I'm proud of you for ending the cycle.

  31. 'Good riddance to bad rubbish.' Hear, hear!
    Oh, Nancy, you've had some real heartbreak in your life. It really makes me sad to read about it, but sometimes we have to hit bottom to realize when enough is enough, so good for you for taking action. Now it's time to start the climb back up into the light. Do things you love to do, love your Boo as hard as you can, and maybe find a positive place where you can give. You have so much to give, you are so talented and kind. You just need to find the right place to direct your generous nature...away from losers like the one you describe.
    By the way, I just noticed you put me under your regular read. I had just come on over to copy paste your blog address to do the same on mine :) xo

  32. It took me 22 years to have my 'enough is enough' moment with my ex. One of my friends then told me 'you worshipped the ground he walked on and he treated you like S**T!' I couldn't understand how my friends had seen it and I hadn't - but they don't say anything while they thonk you are OK.

    Now I have a new husband and know what a good man is really like.

    It just takes some of us longer to work things out than others, I'm glad you have found the strength to do the right thing.

  33. Hmmm. It somehow got by me that you were in a relationship. That's telling in itself, considering I've read just about every one of your posts. Perhaps I forgot. Either way, any person who intentionally provokes another person in a bar is just an asshole. Hang in there. Pretty soon, you'll wonder why you were ever sad.

  34. Enough is Enough...a good moto to live daily. I am adopting it. I love your friend's remark that you are a rock star, don't be a groupie. Sounds like you have stellar friends who will be with you through thick and thin. Knowing you through your writing Nancy, I know a strong and beautiful woman who deserves much more than you were getting. Though I realize it still hurts, stay strong and the real man you serve will come along. I think sometimes we become complacent in life and accept things we wouldn't ordinarily accept, maybe it's the fear of being alone, maybe we don't think as highly of ourselves as we should. At any rate, I am glad you decided that enough is enough! You, my friend, deserve the best life has to offer, because that is what you give...accept nothing less than what you give.

  35. Oh, Nancy.... I love this post because of the strength you've mustered to take care of yourself. I spent 23 years married to the same kind of guy... who heaped verbal abuse on me while I rationalized it all for him. What a waste of all those years! When he finally left for a woman 20 years his junior I was devastated, but now with enough distance I have the clarity to see that I'm so much better off. I'm so much better than the woman he convinced me I was!

  36. You are strong, Nancy! You are so much better off without him, please remember that. He does not deserve you OR to be in Boo's life either. Close that door and a new one will open somewhere, and not that you need a man or anything, but the kind of person who loves and respects you will appear in your life. You have to make room. So glad for you that you have made this great decision. Don't worry about the time lost; we all are on our own timeline, and you were learning lessons along the way. Hugs!

  37. I have always thought you were WAY to good for him Nance and that's the honest to Gods' truth.

  38. You go girl! Head held high, full steam ahead!

  39. Your mama was a smart woman. So are you. Be strong and remember your motto. While I was not as long in a lack-luster fling, I too had the short end of the stick. I like to think that I am a fairly intelligent woman, but dated a self-centered creep for two years who regularly told me I could do better. I could, but his sentiments somehow were endearing (frig- WTF!). I steal myself to stay away from potential areas he may be, as I don't trust myself yet. I know he is a loser, but I guess there is that part of me that doesn't want to be alone. And so cheerily optimistic, he can't really be that bad! Wrong Nancy. Delete his # from your cell and mind. Welcome back you, your needs and desires. You deserve the best

  40. I so wish my daughter would say Enough is Enough!!! How can I make her realize that she is so much better than the sorry boyfriend she has been living with forever!!! I know she wants to be married and have kids but I don't think he does and she still is letting him live with her. She teaches, works Saturday and summer school and is also getting her masters degree and supporting him who does not work. I know she's afraid she would be all alone and never find anyone else but is it work the saddness I think she is going through with him.
    I am glad you found the strength to get rid of your boy friend. I know you will have bad days at times but in the end it will be the best thing!

  41. What I said in my blog post way back when was completely true. There is nothing in this world that makes me happier than seeing my now-wife smile. I'd do anything in the world for that girl... and I think that's the way it should be.

    I've read every blog post you've written over the last couple of years. You're an amazing writer, and from what I can tell, an amazing person as well. You deserve someone who will make you smile, and I applaud you on your decision to say "enough is enough." Life is too short to spend it being unhappy. I've been in your position, where I've had to say goodbye to someone who was just bringing me down. It's a painful feeling; it's the same kind of feeling you get when a loved one has died. We're also all human, and you have every right to be sad for a while. I *guarantee* you, though, that things will get better more quickly than you'd think.

    If you'd asked me about five years ago or so if I'd ever get married, I would have laughed hysterically. Fast-forward to present day, and I am the happiest (married) guy in the world. I had led myself to believe that I'd never find someone out there, but I was wrong. Someone will come along for you, as well... probably when you least expect it. You deserve someone you can really "live" with. :)

  42. Good riddance indeed. Instead of thinking about how many days you wasted with him, instead you could celebrate all the days to come without him. What matters most is you said enough, and you are now free of the wrong guy. Good for you.

  43. Amen and Amen....I agree totally with your sweet mother....never liked the guy, thought he was a sneak, a user, and a abuser!!!! You are such a beautiful person, you make yourself happy and do not settle for anything less...You certainly do not need a man for that....Love you sister!


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