Sunday, March 6, 2011
gone baby gone...
It’s textbook, really. So somewhat expected in a warped way.
But it’s still a big Wow.
I can’t stop laughing. I find myself shaking my head and chuckling, muttering, “Holy Christ. He’s fucked.”
It’s a bittersweet feeling, this euphoria knowing that indeed karma is alive and well. There have been moments of tears mixed in, moments of self doubt. But even if my heart is heavy at times, my brain knows that this indeed is what I needed to put it all behind me. Finally, and for good.
I learned this week that my ex-boyfriend, with whom I devoted the last six years of my life to, is expecting a child with his new girlfriend.
Let’s see now shall we?
I split with him in October.
He joined eHarmony.
He met this girl in November.
The baby is due early August.
Yes. He’s having a child with a woman that he has known for just a few months. They hardly know each other. They are marching forward together ‘very much committed’ to ‘do this’.
He’s getting his masters degree. He’s 36.
She has her masters. She’s 30.
Aren’t there things people do, adult people, intelligent people do to prevent such surprises? For two supposedly educated people, getting knocked up by a veritable stranger and raising a child for the rest of your life isn’t exactly what they teach you in Sunday school.
To each their own I suppose. I can continue to shake my head at their situation all I want and the only thing I can come up with is, “It ain’t my life….thank you God.”
And “It’s not my worries either. Thank you again God, my dear Lord and Saviour.”
But it still has me shaking my head in disbelief and shock.
When I found out I was expecting my own daughter, I was totally freaked out. I had been married for five years at that time and although on one hand I was very excited for the future…I was petrified. Petrified! I had never babysat. I didn’t ogle at babies in the grocery store. I really didn’t want a child…I had nothing against children but my life was perfect. I hadn’t really considered it. Fact is, I’m not sure if my husband and I had even had that conversation.
I knew my life would change. Drastically.
No more jaunting off to ski in Aspen on a few days notice. No more joining on business trips with hubby until the baby got bigger. Hell, even my golf game was off. To play a round of 18 while the other ladies were getting drinks and peanut butter I was in the locker room using a breast pump so I wouldn’t explode on the 16th hole.
I love being mom. It’s one of the most fulfilling things that I’ve ever done. And I can't imagine my life without my Boo, but, that being said, I can’t imagine doing it with someone that I hardly know. No fucking way. Not that the two of them can change what’s happened, but me thinks that they might have been a little smarter in planning than they obviously were.
Part of me would like them to be happy. That this is a match made in heaven for them both. That they will grow to love each other and in turn the baby will be raised in a nurturing loving environment. It’s been known to happen. Friends of a friend got pregnant on their second date. They now have 3 children together and seem to be content with their lives. However statistics would show that there is a better chance for me winning the lottery than that happy ending scenario. Ultimately, it’s the child who is going to suffer these fools, whether they stay together or not.
“Do you love her?” His mom asked him. “What is love…” was his reply.
And then there is the part of me that wants his little trip into the sunset to turn into a nightmare. The percentage is not evenly distributed between the two. It’s currently hovering at a 5 to 95 ratio with the 95 winning on his life being fucked up for the remainder. I’m not proud of that, but it is the truth.
I’m a people pleaser. My first knee jerk reaction was to call him and ask him, “are you okay?” stemming from my own knowledge of what I would think or do in that situation. I’m sure he’s stunned. “I’m here if you need me.” I told him.
He sent a message, “I’ve got a lot to contemplate and think about right now. There are no plans for marriage, but we are both very much committed to do this and that’s as far as we see it right now. No big decisions made on top of this huge one as of yet.”
“Thanks for being there.” He added at the bottom.
We made plans to get together to talk.
One of my best friends Morgan sent me a note in which she points out some pretty glaring details which I have a tendency to overlook. “I feel so little, Morgan. He replaced me so quickly.”
“The one thing you need to know, and please don’t forget it…you are IRREPLACEABLE. It does not mean he has replaced you. D can’t replace you. He can find a different relationship to move onto. D has a wealth of issues to work through and he is incapable of being alone. This woman is a temporary distraction to his long term problems. You were someone special to him. He is, unfortunately, too screwed up to be the kind of man you need him to be on a consistent basis.”
I sense some sort of underlying hidden agenda lurking in the background. However much I dislike the idea that I was so easily replaced, I still don’t think that he intentionally was thinking about starting a family. What I DO believe is that as a trained serious athlete that competes in triathlons, that went to college on a swimming scholarship, that graduated from high school with a 4.0 AND attained her masters degree….I think that she might have had some sort of knowledge of what happens when you spread your legs. As should he. Unprotected sex is just so….ghetto.
Perhaps it’s something locked away in her psyche unacknowledged, but an unconscious wish she wanted to fulfill. Having gone through her own painful breakup from a long-term relationship earlier in the year followed by participation in a friends wedding, at 30, maybe she wants to show everyone that she too can be married and have a family. She is pushing for marriage in this after all, not just getting the sperm donation so she can have a baby. I wonder if he knew (and yes, he should have asked, it's his responsiblility too) that she wasn’t on birth control that he would have been so willing to inseminate. They were both probably drunk and it wasn’t even discussed.
His mother told me of the pregnancy. He didn’t even bother to do so.
We were talking on the phone and she said, “I’ve know something that everyone tells me I shouldn’t tell you.” You can’t say that to me and NOT tell me. So she did. She’s like a second mom in a way. We talk quite often.
“Oh my God. Are you kidding? Oh. My. God.” Is all I could muster. It sounded like a mantra. “Oh my God. Oh MY God!” OH MY.” The inflection on the different syllables getting louder as the reality of what she just told me sunk in.
“How long have they known? Were they planning this? Is he okay? Have you met her? Is he okay? Oh my God, I can’t believe it.” A stream of questions spewing forth.
“They are in the first trimester he thinks. No, I don’t think he was planning it, but he sounds like he’s excited about having a child. They have baby name books. He wants a boy, she wants a girl. No, we haven’t met her and aren’t anxious to.” She answered while laughing at my mantra of “Oh my….”
I’m shocked, but I’m really not mad.
And I’m really not angry.
My ego is bruised….but oh hell no. I’m so much more alive now than I was when I was with him. I no longer suffer from insomnia. I no longer suffer from headaches. I no longer suffer from sleep apnea. That alone speaks volumes. Add to that the weight loss from healthy living? I’d say I’m in a much better place right now than taking any more passive aggressive judgmental demeaning bullshit from him that almost sucked my life dry. I’m physically and emotionally in a much better place than I EVER…and I mean EVER was with him.
No, I’ve not felt this alive in years.
It was one thing to offer him my support “I’m here if you need me” when I thought it had just happened, accidentally after months of dating. But the timeline, it’s when I realized the true timeline that killed that notion of helping him emotionally, dead. That he conceived this child just weeks after our split…well, that hurts. I just can’t overlook the fact that it was just so fucking soon. That he was ‘fucking’ so soon. No time to himself. No time spent on grieving the end of a long term relationship.
So I withdrew my offer of friendship.
I don’t want to see him.
I don’t want to hear from him.
I don’t want to know what’s going on in his life or what his fucking baby will look like.
I don’t want to know. ANYTHING.
It’s healthier for me to create distance. I cannot offer him my support. I cannot be there for him. I cannot pretend to be happy for him, I don’t have it in me. I don’t need or want the role of friend to talk to about his woes with the new girl or the baby. I don’t need him to be part of my life and it’s obvious that he doesn’t need me in his. I even asked him to take my name off the publishing company we had started last year. There is no need for me to continue with any connections to him, business or otherwise.
I literally watched as the screen of About Us changed on the business's website. The name of the company was a mix of his name and mine with my mothers maiden name added. ‘…with his Deputy Managing Director, Nancy McD, now you know how the name originated.' It even followed with the use of ‘a dear friends deceased mothers maiden name’ (which is my mom). The copy now reads, ‘Where the ‘Mc’ comes from in the name will be forever a secret.’ It does continue to acknowledge my mom’s maiden name but the ‘dear’, from ‘dear friend’ has been removed to just say ‘friend’. Technically, he should remove the title friend altogether as that is no longer the case. I won't complain about it. At least he followed through with the direction to remove my name ASAP with this.
I reached out to him in December with a “Congrats D, I heard you’ve got a steady girlfriend. I hope that she’s good to you and you are happy.” Just one more example of me trying to keep open the lines of communication and be nice.
“We’ll see.” He replied. “She’s pretty controlling and it may get out of hand.”
Does my turning my back on him at a time when he truly may need the support of a loving friend stem from jealousy? Something subconsciously wishing it had been me? No. I’m sure as hell glad it’s not me.
No fucking way.
But I’ve got to shake my head.
And thank the dear Lord for protecting my ovaries and eggs.
My friends have all rallied. Brooke said, “What a load of shit. My friends 8 year old has more maturity. Fuck him. You really ARE better off without him.”
Thank you, Brooke. I concur.
Melissa said, “Wow. I don’t even know her, but geez…That poor child. Two selfish people bringing another baby into this world in all the wrong ways.”
Yuppers, I’m in full agreement there.
“He’s a needy guy. He can’t be alone. I like him, he’s my friend…he amuses me. But I’m a dude.” Tom said, “As a chick? A girlfriend? No…the guys a dick. He treated you poorly. And you look great! Having him out of your life has done you good.” "Why didn't you tell me Tom...years ago." I asked. "Dude code. I couldn't."
Carlos added, “I know it sucks but I’m sure you know that you’ll soon realize how better off you are without someone like that in your life. You’re better than that guy, Nancy.”
Thanks guys. I love you.
Even Chrissy chimed in with "Did he tell you himself? Don't let him fool you. He's saying these things to convince himself. He didn't meet his long lost great love. He fucked someone, she got knocked up and he's trying to not sound like a dick. I'm sure he wants to run like hell. August is looooonng way away, you know. Don't let it get to you. You're smarter than that."
Indigo said, “Smile Nancy. He’s gone.”
You're right Indigo, Oh, how he’s gone. Just like the Ben Afleck film, Gone baby, Gone.
And that, my friends, is the last of that. I don’t care if he needs my friendship. I don’t care if he finds out he’s been trapped. I don’t care if the rest of his life is fucked. Or not, for that matter. It could turn out all rainbows and unicorns and it won’t make a difference to me. It’s not part of my world. But it does make me feel as if I broke up with him all over again. This time for real, this time completely. My positioning to stay friends was unrealistic, and unhealthy.
Chapter over, Book closed. I do hope he finally mourns. I hope that he cries sometimes for the loss of his best friend. I hope that someday he realizes what he did give up with his selfish behaviour. Do I really wish him ill-will? No. I had such love for him, and still do. I worry. I worry for him, but that's no longer my concern. Good-bye D. Good luck with all that.
Maybe someday we can communicate again. But it’s not going to be today. And I doubt it will be tomorrow. Or the next day, or the next month, or maybe even the next year. But never is a long time. My mind wanders and I wonder if the two of them be picked for the next advertising campaign for eHarmony?
Matched November ’10.
Knocked up November ’10.
I’m sure that will sell loads of memberships. He’s currently standing his ground on the marriage issue. “I’m not getting married because of the baby.” He always held disdain for the bond of marriage. I wonder how long that will last with a controlling girlfriend about to give birth.
Just what the world needs…another bastard child reared by a bastard.
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Getting over the break up of a long term relationship goes through a variety of stages and you would seem to have reached the final one. You can move forward with the knowledge that you are in a much better place and are a much better person than either of them.ReplyDelete
Living well is the best revenge. I was so relieved to get to the part where you stepped back and stopped trying to be his friend. It's hard enough to make our own lives work well, and you have been doing a great job at that. Cheers!ReplyDelete
Is he positively sure it is his baby. Watch Maury Povitch? Every day the paternity tests come back negative for these girls who are 1000 percent sure that that poor guy on the stage is the baby's father.ReplyDelete
Oh those damn former relationships. Ya never know when they're gonna rear up their ugly heads and send you into another tailspin. Your attitude is great. Good riddance to him.ReplyDelete
I guess I would be hurt... the cardiologist I was seeing dumped me in October... right after we had sex, she told me she didn't love me anymore...
Then she called me to tell me she was involved with someone and was very happy...
Unfortunately/Fortunately, we are replaceable. Anytime I've had a relationship to fall apart, I've let some time pass to process everything... me, her, the hurt, etc... and try to get back on level ground.
You ask if there may be any jealousy or hurt on your part... there probably is. Some of us like to have answers to things. Some of us want to understand events... it's ok if you are feeling that. It really is.
Break up sex may be great, but I don't care for it that much.
I would love to let this guy go, and lose any and all contact info having to do with him.
That's what I did w/ the dr... ;o)
Wow, what a story. I think you've done the right thing. All you or anyone can do at this point is to hope the child is reasonably happy and loved. So often they become the forgotten piece of this fragile puzzle.ReplyDelete
The betrayal is the bitterest pill to swallow no matter how much better one's life is without these dicks in it.... we share very similar stories except my ex hardly paused before leaping into the life of a woman with 5 children...FIVE!!!ReplyDelete
Talk about ghetto!!
WOW. I second Chrissy, and I'm surprised that you intended to remain friends with that dick, Nancy! Rejoice in the fact that life gave you a not-so-subtle hint to get rid of him for good. Forgive, forget, move on - you've got a great horizon opening up ahead of you now that he's out of your view!ReplyDelete
Whew. Run far, run fast. Your heart will heal, the hurt will fade, and you can be free of selfish little men and their sillly little mistakes. Or in this case a big freaking mistake. Intelligent people know how babies are made, and it sounds like they could have afforded at least a package of condoms, so Duh to them.ReplyDelete
I've heard this story before, and I'm wondering what kind of person the baby can grow into when they've been raised outside a healthy, respectful relationship. You deserve one of your own. I'm hoping you find your Mr. Right, I believe he's out there, wondering where you are.
Best wishes, and stay strong and proud.
yikes. what a story. kind of makes a person want to throw their arms up in the air and do an angry dance and then rejoice at your freedom. :)ReplyDelete
Awe....you guys are all SO DAMN GREAT! Thank you for all your support through this. It is appreciated more than you know! Of course, I responded to each of the comments thus far and Poof! away it went...and I jsut couldn't go and do that again, so I apologize for the blanket 'thanks'.ReplyDelete
But thanks just the same...
Love you guys...
Nancy I am so glad you are doing so well!! Be careful he doesn't try to be your friend. You deserve so much more!ReplyDelete
Sounds like this was the best thing that could have happened--for YOU! So you can let him go. Release him from your heart. You don't need to be his emotional crutch. He made his bed. Not your worry anymore.ReplyDelete
You have a big heart with a lot to give. You have that down, lady. Now it's time to focus on receiving. And if you feel compelled to pour your overflowing heart out--volunteer with kids or seniors or somebody who will truly appreciate your loving heart! Be good and kind to yourself. We caretakers have a harder time learning how to be given love. End up attracting takers--emotional black holes. You are worth more than that. It may hurt like hell now, but it's a gift! Been there. Very, very best to you, Nancy!! :):)
Ha, "better him than you." I just feel badly for the child, with such an icky person as the father. But chances are, the child will not know him, because he will leave. You would think the mother would be smarter than that, but perhaps she just wanted a child. He's done his job. She might just toss him out if he doesn't leave. ;-)ReplyDelete
When I saw the picture my heart stopped thinking it was you! I thought, "Poor Nancy!" Seriously! Then again that's my opinion of most pregnancies but that's a post for my blog on its own ;D
I'm with you, I'd be pissed too. Seriously?! He waited what a week? At most? However, he has saved you from a life of boredom and anger by his side. Better her than you, I say. I say you celebrate with a great vacation and then maybe casually share your pics. You know what a happy life looks like, in case his controlling new GF makes sure his isn't - you know happy. Poor kid but hey we all have to deal with the hand we're dealt.
Good luck out there and be happy! Someone as smart/beautiful as you will find a much better man soon!
i am so mad at him for you. it's okay to be mad, you know. it's okay to be thankful that it's not you, but it's okay to be mad. he's not just a bastard or an asshole, he's a flat out selfish, low life, bottom dweller and you, my dear, are way too fabulous for that.ReplyDelete
I strongly believe that what you've done is the right thing.ReplyDelete
Sorry to hear that but that guy is so irritating!ReplyDelete
Betrayal hurts and like anything else we lose, we go through stages of grief. I'm sorry this happened to you, and I wish you the best. It certainly sounds like you are much better off without him. Wishing you much happiness.ReplyDelete
Sounds like that leprechaun I dated once. Good riddance and move on, move up. :)ReplyDelete
Sorry I've been AWOL for some reason Blogger dumped you from my dashboard. Don't worry your comment allowed me to correct that sneaky move.
Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow
Lots of heavy thoughts on your blog . . . I feel that you are not over him and have this love hate relationship going.ReplyDelete
You are not replaceable, EVER.
Sometimes it does take years to know that we shouldn't be with someone. I was there too before. Don't feel like it was wasted time. After all the garden is wet and dirty and ugly before the seedlings sprout with a sense of new life. With the right nurturing and love, oh what a beautiful garden full of blossoms and wonderful harvest there will be. Your time will come. Hugs.
Thanks again everyone for your wonderful comments. @one womans thoughts ~ You know, there definitely is love still there and it has been mingled with some hate...which I don't like the feeling of. I'm working hard at really, forever letting it go. It is troubling. My head KNOWS this is a great tool and time for me to be able to put it all behind, but its that damn timeline that kills my heart.ReplyDelete
But life is good, and good to me. I'm leaving on vacation in a mere two days and will come back recharged and renewed!
Ok. I'm 54. I have been there a hundred freaking times. He is needy and immature. This is a bomb waiting to go off. You'll see. Once this baby comes into the world (if not before) I give them six months. An educated 30 something year old women who let's herself get knocked up gets pregnant accidentally on purpose for her own needy reasons. They sound like two very immature, irresponsible people. Poor baby. And you ARE better off and you know it. And your ego is bruised and it hurts like fuck but you'll get over it and one day you won't even bat an eyelash. And you know this too. Cutting him off completely - very wise. You have no need to "keep in touch", "be a friend", any of that B.S. Let him squirm in his own mess. Look forward ... you'll be A-OKAY.ReplyDelete
Oh! You are so much better off without the idiot. Soooooooo much better off!ReplyDelete
Hmmmm... I don't have anything intelligent to add.ReplyDelete
When me and my now Ex-Husband split....he once came to my house and told me that it would be DISRESPECTFUL for me to date anyone until we are legally divorced. I said "naturally, I'm not dating anyone and I wouldn't be involved with anyone...." Then he got in his car and drove to his new girlfriend's house! Literally, I only know because i was on my way to go shopping and he was in front of me and i accidently saw it with my very own eyes! How's that for "respectful"....I love men, I really do, but the wrong ones...like the one you've got here...they don't "get it" and they never will....they'll just live these 1/2 lives...that never really amount to a whole. So don't fret your pretty head about wtf is wrong with him....because what's wrong with him is painfully obvious...if he gave you up, it's obvious he's an absolute idiot!ReplyDelete
I am surprised that you were trying to stay friends, glad to see by the end of the post you had changed your mind. Staying friends will just get you sucked into HIS drama, which you definately don't need. Proud of ya!ReplyDelete
Its great to see that people are sharing quite profitable information with each other and now we can move our selves to a new era.ReplyDelete
Glad to see you no longer wanna stay with him, you're a wise person.ReplyDelete
Those damn former relationships. Ya never know when they're gonna rear up their ugly heads and send you into another tailspin. Your attitude is great. Good riddance to him.ReplyDelete
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