Friday, March 2, 2012

sometimes it happens...

I lost a good friend today.
A really, really good friend.

In the back of my mind, I knew it was coming. I felt the change. The change was almost imperceptible, but it was there…hovering, stealth like over me. That sensation that something is about to happen. And although I expected it…it still made me sad.

I’ve had this friend for over 10 years. We traveled many places together, seen many things, had many experiences and share loads of secrets. We’ve been together through some great times and many a tear has been spilled on them. We’ve had a relatively long and wonderful relationship…but today, unfortunately, that relationship came to an end.

We were ripped apart, there's no better way to describe it. That sound of heartbreak, of tearing. I can still hear it in my ears, it’s something akin to the sound of metal on metal of a car crash, or glass breaking. Your mind, without visual, just automatically knows what it is.

The day started like any other day except that the sun was brightly shining, an oddity here on the north coast mid winter. It’s usually cold, and snowy, and gray. This time of year is full of hues of gray. It’s about this time of year up north that we all start dreaming of sun, and beaches and warmth. This entire winter season has been extremely mild. No snow, a little cold and today; lots of sun.

My master bedroom is up on the third floor of my home. There is a row of cottage windows facing east that at first dawn lets me know what the weather is like outside without ever having to reach for my phone to pull up Weatherbug for the forecast. There are three skylights that also grant me the knowledge before ever swinging my legs out of bed what kind of outerwear I will need for the day. I like the light that streams in and have never bought draperies to cover these windows, or film to dim the light cascading in through the rooftop. It makes it difficult to sleep in or take daytime naps with all the light in my room, but it’s quite nice. There have been times that I’ve thrown a makeshift blockade to the suns rays when my daughter used to sneak upstairs and crawl into bed with me. I’d wake to see her cherubic face on the pillow with the beams of light dancing on her cheekbones. I’d roll out of bed and either make a barrier of pillows on her side to block the sun or throw a sheet over the windows to douse the rays.

But this morning it was just me stretching in the suns rays. I was scheduled to work this afternoon but Boo was off from school as the teachers had some meeting to attend and I knew already before even rising that I was going to take the day off. We needed a little mom/daughter girlie time and today was the perfect day to do so.

I got up, showered and called work. Although I am and wanted to be completely honest, I found myself spewing a fib. It wasn’t what I had planned but there I was…smack dab in the middle of it.

“Hi Maureen? It’s Nancy. I’m scheduled to be there at 11 but I’m not going to be able to make it today….” I trailed off, wincing...waiting for lashback.

“OH!...Is everything okay?” she exclaimed.

“It is, yes. I’m fine. But…” and then I stumbled a bit, mentally. The devil on the one shoulder, the angel on the other. I almost caved and was going to say that I would be a little late and go in to work anyway…and then I thought, No…I’m really not needed. I’ve been practicing that little two letter word; NO. It’s a hard one to say. For me at least, but I’m making progress. My mouth forms the word, I just need to push the air out through my teeth in order for it to be audible. I reasoned that they would probably cut my shift short anyway so I mustered up and continued…”Boo isn’t feeling well. I’m going to stay home with her today.” I cringed at the sound of my fib, biting my finger.

“OK…I’ll tell June. I hope she feels better.” No fight. No reprimand. On one hand I was relieved and on the other, worried.

Tell June…yeah,  I thought.
I bet you will.

Maureen has become the new tattle tale of our store. We have a new manager and she has been sucking up to her with no holdbacks. You can almost feel the breeze from the suction when she walks behind our new leader. If you park somewhere in the yellow lines, not the white ones…Maureen will call June. If you take 22 minutes for a break instead of 15, she’ll call June. If the sales people make 8 calls instead of the required 10, she’ll tell June. She brought chocolates and champagne in for an employee who decided to retire after 10 years with the company and then retreated to the office with June to bad mouth her after she’d left. Nice lady…but not trustworthy. Fact is at the company Christmas party gift exchange she’s the one who will choose the gift YOU chose just because someone else wants it. It’s quite odd. And quite pathetic.

So to NOT come in to work with her today didn’t quite make me feel badly. Acquaintances, we are. Workmates, we are. Friends, we are not.

Friends are trusted individuals.
Friends are people you rely on.
Friends are people that you know will always be there for you. No matter what.

I’ve had ‘friends’ in the past with whom I thought were friends but turned out weren’t really my friends. Friends that betrayed me. Friends that have betrayed my trust. I’ve had friends in the past that we just lost touch and we no longer connect. I’ve had friends with whom I have reconnected and feels like we picked up right where we left off. There are those that build you up and those that drag you down. Sometimes some of the people with whom we are friends with run its course and they just disappear.

I was cleaning out my file cabinet the other day. It’s become quite a mess. I’ve been throwing items in there without a filing system in place of stuff that I want to keep but just don’t quite know where to put it. When taking everything out I found a birthday card from a friend.

I use the word friend, because that’s what I thought she was. I loved this woman. When I met her I thought I’d found a sister. Our girls were classmates and that’s how we first made contact. Our girls were friends and then we became friends. Close friends. And then one day…she just wasn’t anymore.

I never did know, don’t understand  and never got an explanation of what happened. Boo and I went south for Easter break and when I returned, she would no longer return phone calls. Funny thing, I had brought her back a souvenir. She loved drinking wine and there were T-shirts playing off the Life is Good line that said “life sucks”. This particular shirt sported an empty wine bottle tipped on its side and read “out of wine. "Life sucks” under it. I found it particularly humorous. I thought she would too. So I bought it to wear on her new regimen on her treadmill. I brought it back, left it on her porch and waited for the ‘Thank You’ phone call.

It never came.
I ran into her husband at the music store where our kids took piano lessons.

“Did your wife get her present I left her?”

“Well, I’m not sure. What did you leave?”

“Oh…I brought her a T-shirt from Florida. I thought it was funny and made me think of her! I left it on the back porch...”

“I’ll have to ask her. I really don’t know…”

Two weeks passed and I hadn’t heard a peep. So I called. “I left you a present. I thought it was funny. I hope I didn’t offend you with the humor and if I did…please accept my apology.”
Another two weeks later and still no word.

That was almost a year ago.

This past summer I was invited to a Bocce Ball party. She and her family were there. I left within a half hour because her obvious avoidance of me reduced me to tears. What the hell happened? It was awkward. It felt horrible. So I claimed a headache to the hostess and left.

So coming across this card with her written sentiment, “ I didn’t need anymore friends. You were simply the piece of chocolate cake, that fabulous bottle of 1996 Bordeaux, that pretty shiny bauble I wanted in the worst way. Whether or not I needed you, you always made things more colorful, more fun, more hilarious, more beautiful. You have made me believe that there is always room for ‘one more’…because maybe that ‘one’ will make all the difference.”

She signed it with a “OH, I love you so!”

2 years later she never spoke to me again. Go figure.
So yeah…I have had (unfortunately) a little experience with losing close friends.Good friends. Friends that you thought would be around forever but then they aren’t.

Losing my friend today brought back that immediate shock of when I lost that friend a year ago. One minute they were close and the next it was time to throw them away. And throw this friend away I did. I’ve learned  that there would be no need to drag this on. There would be no going back, no repair work that could be done.

So on this seemingly normal day where I showered like usual, I dressed like usual and waited for my daughter to get ready herself…just like usual, I lost another close friend.

Gathering up Boo's discarded potential outfits I felt it before I heard the sound.
Yes…you guessed it. The entire inner seam of my favorite jeans just gave way. Ripped away to be completely honest. Air rushed in and I started to laugh. Laughing so hard tears trailed down my cheeks. My daughter swung around to find out what the heck was going on with her mom...

"You okay?...!!! she asked.
"Oh yeah. But loooook." I pointed.
"Oh my. Those are your favorite! That's too funny..totes!"

Totes m'goats...fer sure.

I had repaired  the back pockets a several times already. There were multiple thin spots and frays along the inside seams. Many of the belt loops had pulled loose over the years. The bottom hems were fringed from wear. These Levi’s were a perfect fit when I bought them, so I bought 4 pairs. All but one had bit the dust, revealing too much skin from too many tears. These were the last remaining pair…and I loved them.

And now they are gone. Some relationships come to a screeching end and some fade like sunsets.
The difference is…my jeans can be replaced.

Good thing I was at home when it happened AND wearing undies.


  1. Sorry about your friend. I've had that happen a few times, and it really sucks. No note, no email, not text, no...nothing.

    Funny anecdote: I've ripped two pairs of khakis in the last three months...right at the crotch...while at work. Both times and intern was witness. Poor girls.

  2. Oh no, not your favorite jeans! That's just sad. And I wonder what happened with your friend. You were so close. But I wonder whether she was hiding something, such as guilt or embarrassment about drinking. Just a guess.

  3. Nancy, that is sooooo sad :( This "friend" obviously did not know how to communicate, which is not very mature. IF you offended her in some way, unbeknownst, she needed to tell you. That's what friends do. I had a friend do the same thing to me once, a long time ago. Just cut me off. It devastated me and I couldn't understand it. After a year of therapy I finally called her up to find out why she did what she did and you know what? It was the stupidest reason. Apparently, I said that we (meaning a group of gals) should go to Santa Barbara for a weekend ... I just threw it out there as something we should maybe do one day ... well, when I didn't set it all up and give her the time/dates/info she got upset with me and never called me again. Finding out made me feel so much better because I was able to see that she was the nutcase, not me. Anyway,... just wanted to share that. And bottom line, a friend should be able to tell you anything ... but I know you already know this. With all that said, I think your ex "friend" was a non-confrontational beyotch. :)

  4. Considering where I feel I am at this phase in my Life, I would probably miss and mourn the jeans so much more.

    Failed friendships... failed relationships...

    We have become so 'disposable' this day and age. I've always valued those that I let close to me, and even when relationships have ended, I always tried to stay somewhat in touch.

    It doesn't work.

    I'm so sorry for your loss... but tomorrow, maybe that sun you spoke of will shine in on you... and you will realize that everything is really ok...


  5. Gorgeous writing! Love the turn you took from tender sadness to humour.
    Wagging Tales

  6. understood. nicely played - the pain and humor.

  7. Oh my...lost brought back some memories for me, not necessarily good ones. But hasn't that happened to us all?

    And the jeans? Oh yeah, memories there, too. I just had to laugh.

  8. Hey Nancy! I totally sympathise. I had a t-shirt when I was a kid, I loved it, we were inseparable. Mum used to steal it off me after I turned in, and get it washed for the following morning so I could wear it again. As a dumb kid, I probably thought it never got smelly, and ironed itself overnight. But sadly one day it threw a dozen holes and ended up in the filter. I felt odd for a week in a different t-shirt. Life is Change. But fear not, there's always a new pair of hot jeans to get to know, and the old ones live on in our hearts ;> Indigo x

  9. LOL! Sorry to hear about the jeans! Well sorry to hear about the friendship but some are like that. You can only take the good and then let the rest fade :)

  10. You know, it doesn't make it hurt any less, but this sort of thing happens to me every year or two. Someone just "turns" and disappears. Well, "whatever." Every person in your life is there to play a role in your personal development (or you in theirs), because each life is a lesson in your soul's schooling. When that person's role in your life is finished, they leave. Sometimes they leave without warning. Other times they leave with warning, and you both have time to adjust. This is true whether they simply stop talking to you, or if they die. When someone leaves, their role in your life is finished, and it's time for you to move on. And, by someone leaving, they make room for another person to come in. You can only have so many people in your life and still play the roles appropriately, and learn what you are supposed to learn.

    Don't focus on the fact that she left. Focus on what you learned from her while she was there. And if you can't identify anything, then perhaps it was YOU who were supposed to play a role in HER life. When she got from you what she needed, she left. That's okay. That's how your schooling works.

    Hope this helps.

  11. @Joshua ~ as always, you're one of the first to read and comment! For THAT you get the reward of having your mug sit in the hotseat up top! Yea! Thank you again...for your comment! AND for the mental image of your splitting your own drawers, not once..but twice! :-)

    @ Blissed out - You know, I never thought of that. Who knows. I'm not loosing sleep over it, but do ponder it once and awhile. It's a relatively small town I live in and see her car every so often, which makes me think "why?" but I'm more worried about replacing my DO know how hard it is to find jeans!!!? :-)

    @Debbie - I think that we all have had some run in or another with a friend that does something like this. I'm sorry to hear that about yours, but I thank you for sharing your story. Sometimes you think that you are the only one this happens to only to find out that it's more prevalent than we think! Thank you for leaving a comment! I certainly do appreciate it and love from you!!!

    @ Red Shoes - I'm right there with you my friend. Presently I am missing my jeans more.
    I DO love your insight into things. I always am bobbing my head along with agreement.

    @ Charmaine - Thank you for the compliment! You just made my day! :-)

    @ Kim - I knew you'd understand the connection! :-)

    @ Janice- When I heard them rip...I started laughing. And before I even changed I wnet ot my office and started writing about it. Somehow the connection between finding that note and my jeans ripping made perfect sense. And noteably, not only to me since you got it too! :-)

    @ Indigo - I to had favorite outfits growing up. I wonder if people thought my family couldn't afford to buy me clothes as I as always wearing the same things? :-)
    xxoo back atcha'

    @ Senorita - I also knew when writing this that if yoiu had the chance to read it you'd get the connection! AND humor! It really was more of an exercise of humor than a pondering of lost friendship. You know me...I make big big circles. :-)

    @ Marvin - I LOVE this idea. LOVE LOVE LOVE it. And it is so very true! I do need to remember it though and remind myself at times. There isn't anything wrong with playing a role in someones development or they in mine and then letting them go....I think I've always wanted to hold onto things longer than necessary because otherwise I feel as if I used them, or they me. I;m not sure which is worse.

    I mean, you've been with me here long enough to know I HAVE been used in the past. But your explanation here is poignant and rings true.

    I WILL remember your words.
    They truly DO help!
    Thank you...again!

    Love you guys!

  12. I hate when that happens, losing a friend is never easy. i have had that happen twice.

  13. HAHAHAHA!!! I was so thinking "oh, this is such a deep, insightful, sad post" and then I kept reading and was physically laughing out loud by the end of the post!! Fantastic!!
    Not fantastic about your jeans, though...or your friend. Frankly, I'd be more upset about the jeans - takes more work to mold them to you. A true friend doesn't take much work at all - it's usually a natural fit!

  14. I think losing that perfect article of clothing is sometimes more traumatic than the friend. Hope your week gets better.

  15. I think we've all had our share of friends who have suddenly disappeared for no reason. It's never a good feeling, and it always leaves you wondering what you did wrong. Losing your favorite pair of jeans is right up there as well, though. Glad you were able to have such a long relationship. :)

  16. My heart felt very foggy reading the story and I really know what you are feeling. Friends are the most valuable gifts we have given in this earth.

  17. I'm sorry that someone who'd come into your life, didn't see the value in staying. I can't imagine wanting to ever leave you behind. Some people fall in love easy, and they fall OUT of love just as easily. I have a friend, and damnit if she isn't meeting her soul mate every 3 months or so. One minute she's in heaven, the next, she's moved on to some other new heaven. Just because her opinion has since wavered, don't think for a second that you aren't as amazing as that fabulous bottle of 1996 Bordeaux, that pretty shiny bauble, or as sweet as chocolate cake. Personally, if she wanted to make a statement of true love, and importance to her life....she should of compared you to things she couldn't do without, like air, and love, and water! She compared you to things that are nice to have, but unnneeded to survive. And now she's off surviving without you.....true friends don't think you're a shiny object they want to're better than that if you ask me. Just my opinion of course.

    Big hugs from me down here south of you, and I hope that this warm spring day finds you better than the day you wrote this post.

    *sunshine & smiles*

    RIP favorite jeans....

  18. Only you can take me down the garden path as it twist and turns so deliberately to an unexpected conclusion. Seriously tho, when a friendship end without an explanation it could only mean... wait for it --- it is not you. Really. :)

  19. please dont stop writting i really like reading your blog

  20. Once again I'm very glad I found your blog, I'd lost the ability to access so many of the things I enjoy on the web, and yours' is one of the pearls.
    I agree it's very hard to lose a friendship, but the jeans definitely would've broken my heart.
    You have such a wonderful style, thanks so much for sharing it.

  21. @Teresa - Thank you for such a great compliment! I truly DO aprrciate it! :-)

    @ Bella - Thank YOU for your comment as well! Actually, it was yours that made me sit down and write a new post. That's why I've assigned YOU to the hot spot follwer of note. Thanks for making me take the time to write. I've BEEN writing, just not posting. I just remembered WHY I like being on Blogger! THANK YOU!

    @ Heather - YOUR comment was the most thoughtful one I've ever recieved. I saved it, printed it and have it in my office taped to my wall. I never looked at it that way and now that you've pointed it seems to crystal clear!

    @ Mike and Travel Girl - Love you guys. :-)

    Have a wonderful day everyone!


  22. that's just sad. i've been experiencing the exact same thing with a friend of mine, he has been vanished for one month now, and i just no i lost him. no email, no text, no-nothing. what do you think? should i email him and ask him what's going on or not?

    great post indeed!

  23. @ Nancy - *smiles wide*.....that is all.


  24. As I read this post, I felt my spirits rising with yours. Well done, my friend!

  25. thats really inspiring post. Really like the way you express.

  26. We traveled many places together, seen many things, had many experiences and share loads of secrets. We’ve been together through some great times and many a tear has been spilled on them.
    tours to machu picchu

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