the Stumeister...

I didn’t see it coming.

I’m a planner. I like schedules. I like to know where I’m supposed to be and when I’m supposed to be there. I used to think that I was spontaneous. I used to be spontaneous, but I'm not so much anymore. I was the girl in high school when someone said in the middle of a gathering, “hey…I have some cousins in Eastlake having a party”, I’d be the one saying, “Let’s go! It’s just 120 miles!”

Yes.
That happened. My parents were not pleased.

Somewhere, somehow that spontaneous me died. Or retreated. Or maybe I just grew up. Sure, it raises its head every so often and shows itself. Case in point---sitting on the beach watching the lake waves one moment; and the next driving to West Virginia to gamble. Probably not one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

Or seeing an offer on Groupon and then booking a flight to the Dominican Republic that leaves in two days. That one was a good decision.

But I do like having plans. When going on vacation I read about it and find out of the way places that only locals know about. I keep my fridge somewhat stocked just in case friends stop over and I always carry my passport just in case a flight is leaving somewhere...so plans? Yes. I dig them.

Not Franklin Planner plans like my brother. If it’s not in his planner, it’s not going to happen…but, you know,  plans. I like a semblance of order. It gives me a sense of comfort. And I suppose of control.

Over Easter spring break I planned to take a little trip south to the Island. You’ve heard about it before. Amelia Island…It’s my happy place. I was in need of a little happy recharge, so I loaded up the Commander and off we went. I decided to bring Sienna, my labradoodle, on this trek with us. Sienna is the perfect dog. Never barks, easy going, doesn’t shed, never complains. Just perfect. Plus she loves water, so I thought it would be nice to have her join me on my long morning walks.

The other pup, Stuey, is quite handsome, but like many handsome guys…high maintenance. He’s not easy going, barks at everything, complains a lot and is not a water dog. Taking him for the walks would be good, but I worried about leaving him alone in the cottage if we went out. I'm sure he'd ahve been fine, but I didn't want to worry about him so I made arrangements to leave him behind.
Two days into our vacation I got a call, “Have you noticed anything wrong with Stu’s breathing?” I thought about it but couldn’t think of anything offhand. We’d had a few unseasonably warm days and there was one night when he was wheezing or something a bit. I thought it might be the heat, or allergies as the trees were letting off a ton of pollen. I remember it being bedtime and here’s Stu making this ruckus.

You have to know a little background on the Stumeister. He’s an American Bulldog, looks like Petey from the little rascals, is quite the good looking dog and very well knows it. He thinks he’s Alpha but as I had a throw down with him one day, “You’re NOT Alpha. You’re not even Omega. Fact is you might not even be Gamma.” All this said whilst I had my hands on his collar standing over him as he lay on the ground belly up.

As before mentioned, he’s a little headstrong, requires tons of attention, thinks he’s a lapdog (at 110 pounds), takes up most of the bed at night and has separation anxiety.

He has started scenting my dressing room. WITH his urine.
Yes, you read that correctly.
Urine.

On my stuff because I wasn’t spending enough time with him and he wants everyone within nose shot to know I’m HIS. Of course he sprayed my blazers, mostly. All the things that can’t be washed but need to be dry cleaned. IF the cleaners  can even salvage the damage…that is.
Why would I deal with all of this from a pet?

Because I love him.

As you know, I'm a sucker for handsome men. They get me each and every time...

And although part of me DID want to take him with us I felt it best to leave him at home. This way MY vacation would STAY MY vacation and not a caretaker event for my pup.
So the worried call about his breathing troubled me. Not only did I remember that one instance but Boo said she’d heard him ‘coughing’ a few times. His behavior didn’t seem changed, but there was a little something amiss…I just didn’t think that much of it.

Stuey was staying with Boo’s dad. “He was pretty bad. His gums were blue so I took him to the vet.” They did some x-rays and determined there was something in his chest cavity. Fluid, to be exact. They sedated Stu and drained several liters. Apparently this relieved the pressure for Stu and although not as rambunctious as usual, he seemed fine. Three days later he needed to have a chest tap again. I called and spoke to the vet.

“Dr. Peddi…honestly, what do you think?”

“Well…I know what you’re asking. I can hear it in your voice. It could be a couple of things…one of which is treatable and the other two aren’t.” she told me.

“I hate to ask this, but what would the potential cost be?” We’d already racked up over $2000 in expenses with the chest taps, x-rays, medication and service calls.

“Anywhere between $2000 and $6000 for surgery and if it’s the one thing I think it might be we’d just sew him back up and euthanize him….”

I had to be logical. Sidestep and leave my heart out of this decision.
This was a pet. And I’m looking at a potential 6 months of mortgage payments to maybe keep him alive?....

“Do you, may I…” I was trying to get through the words but kept choking up, “Can I bring him in to you to..you know…put him….” I couldn’t finish. Somehow I felt as if I said it then I’d have betrayed Stuey.

“Yes, Nancy. I’ll be here this Friday. Is that ok?” she asked. Dr. Peddi is the best. So kind; so considerate.

I spent the next whole day just attending to Stuey. He had steak and cheese and all his favorites, although not much. He wasn’t eating much, but enjoyed what he did. I tried to get him up on the bed in his usual spot, but he kept sliding down to the floor. So I propped him with pillows to get him comfortable and slept on the floor with him. I would doze only to awaken with him standing over me, struggling for air. It was disconcerting to find him standing over me. Looking down, struggling for air, silently pleading with me to stay awake with him.

I was afraid to fall asleep. I kept thinking that he’d pass while I slept and although that might have been the easiest thing to happen, for me at least, I couldn’t let him go alone. The most comfortable position was that of standing with his neck extended and head slightly raised. I suppose that opened the air passages. It was painful to watch him. I wept a lot. Heck, I’m weeping now…

I stroked him and cuddled him and told him what a great dog he had been and how we would miss him.  His big black eyes looked deep into my soul seeming to understand my sorrow. He would lick my face from time to time whisking away the tears. By morning we were both exhausted. And ready.

I couldn’t watch him struggle any longer. It would have been selfish to try to keep him. I loaded him into the passenger seat and we went for our last car ride.

The clinic was wonderful . The receptionists knew why we were there and they all pushed back tears of their own as we walked by them to the big back room. They had the lights dimmed, soft music playing and a large blanket on the floor. He wagged his tail when he saw Dr. Peddi and she plopped down on the floor with us and hugged him. “Hey big fella…” she said scratching him behind the ears. “I’d hoped not to see you…”

He answered her soothing voice with a nuzzle. I felt a pang of regret for bringing him. I wondered if it was too late. Maybe I shouldn’t make this decision and just let it happen naturally. I think Dr. Peddi felt my confusion. “It’s really the best thing. You don’t want to be there or see him if he goes into duress.” She gave him an injection for anxiety. “It’s like an out of body experience this way for him…” Dr. Peddi explained.

He started to pant and had big google eyes. Big guy was stoned out of his gourd and the comical look on his face made me laugh through my tears. I thought about taking a picture of him, but didn’t.  
Big Stu went into cardiac arrest before they even gave him the final injection, he was that weak. And then, Poof! he was gone.

I hadn’t planned on returning from vacation to put down my dog.
I didn’t have it on my calendar.

Amazingly enough without him around my house seems to stay cleaner. Longer. I no longer have to put things on my leather chairs to keep him from jumping into them. I don’t have to cover my couch to keep in clean from drool or muddy paw prints. There aren’t little white hairs in all of my black clothing. My back yard no longer has worn spots from running.  The mailman no longer passes our house from fear of his bark and my dressing room no longer smells like pee.

But I miss him like the dickens.

Sienna misses him as well. She tries to tussle with me or Boo and it isn’t quite the same as it was with him. I’ve been taking Sienna down to the dog park for social hour with other pooches, but she doesn’t like the gravel they have in the fenced in area. I think it hurts her paws. She keeps running back to check with me and then looks about. I think she’s waiting to see if THIS is where Stu is…
When out for walks she always stops and sniffs the same places. I think she can still smell the beast and thinks he might be here. Or there. But is disappointed to not find him.

Boo is asking me when we’re getting another dog. I’m just not quite ready for it. Yet. I kind of like my house staying clean. I like the yard growing lush. I enjoy my pee free home.

But, I might be soon.

I just need to put it on the calendar. 

‘Cause if it’s on the calendar, then….well. I ‘m a planner, remember?

:-)

Rest in Peace dearest Stuey...4/20/12       

Sing along why don't cha...

I just celebrated a birthday.

No, no…I’m not telling you this in order to receive more birthday wishes. (although feel free as it makes me feel all warm, fuzzy and loved)…no, I’m sharing this with you, well, just because.

The day before my birthday the doorbell rang. I was nearby and wouldn’t be able to pass off that I wasn’t home, so as one normally does when the doorbell rings, I answered it. There stood a man holding a bouquet of flowers.

"Nancy?” he inquired.

“Yes, I’m Nancy.”

“Here ma’am, these are for you…” as he handed over the bouquet to me.

I accepted the flowers but cringed at the sound of ‘ma’am’. Ma’am was my mother and my mothers mother before that and my mothers mothers mother. I wasn’t ready for that moniker and inwardly was a little off put by it. “Thank you. Thank you so very much!” I said, “But please for future reference…ma’am is my mother.” I smiled to let him know I was just kidding with him.

He laughed, grinned and waved, “Yes ma’….I mean miss. I get that a lot. But I was raised in the south. Everyone is ma’am there or you get a whoopin’.”

Yes, sir. I bet you would. And if I were 10 years younger and you were….Oh Nancy. Stop yourself!
I did smile though. The thought pleased me, just a tad.

The flowers were just lovely. It held several rubrim lilys (my favorite), some daisies, some tulips, some curly willow branches and some other exotic things that I don’t know the name of but are oh, so lovely. I unwrapped the box it was stapled into and it revealed a modern square vase that was just as beautiful as the flowers themselves.

Tucked in the flowers was a card, which I then opened to find out who was so thoughtful (and prompt!) with birthday wishes.

It read: Happy Birthday Love, Dad

Hmmm.

Birthday, check: that must be for me.

Love, Dad….Dad sent ME flowers? He never sends flowers. I’ve never, ever gotten flowers from Dad. He used to stop and buy a carnation or rose or a grocery bouquet every so often for mom as she loved flowers and flower arranging, but he’s really not the ‘send flowers’ kind of guy.

I turned the card over. Was it a mistake? I half expected them to be from my ex-husband. HE’s the flower sending type of guy, but my dad? Never.

I called my brother. “Did you have something to do with this? I got flowers from Dad!” I exclaimed.

“I talked to him the other day and reminded him there was a big birthday coming up, but no…the flowers were all his idea. He needed your address, but he’s the one that said “Hey, I should send her flowers!” he chuckled, "I thought you might be surprised."

Wow. Yup. Yes, Indeedy it was (and still is!) surprising!

The day of my birthday, well wishes coming via Facebook were off the chart. My daughter bought me some exquisite chocolates with money she’d saved. Her friends all sent me text messages wishing ‘Happy Birthday to mom #2!’.  I got a birthday video from a close friend in Florida and his toddler daughter with a charming rendition of the birthday song. Even the people at the Melting Pot brought me not one, but two huge boxes of the most beautiful chocolate covered strawberries.

Heck, I even received a text message from my ex boyfriend sending birthday wishes. Truly, I wouldn’t have expected him to remember. And if he did, actually acknowledge it.

Yes.
It was all rather surprising.
And touching.

I’ve been to many huge birthday parties. I’ve been to ones thrown by the birthday girl (or guy), ones thrown by friends, spouses and significant others. I been to surprise parties and some that were supposed to be surprises but turned out not to be. I’ve even been the host of some of the above…but I’ve never had anyone throw me a party. At least as an adult. My mother used to throw the bomb diggity of birthday bashes when I was little...

Wait. There was that ONE time...

When I was turning 40. I was going through a divorce, I had the day off, I wasn’t dating anyone special and didn’t have any plans…so I loaded up the baby and went to visit my parents. I didn’t feel like being alone.

Around 8 o’clock I got a call from one of my girls that worked for me.

“Nancy!!! Where are you? I thought you were coming to the Pub!” she exclaimed. “C’mon! Get here!”

“I can’t, Lauren. Sorry...I’m in Toledo.”

“WHAT? You CAN’T BE! Everyone’s here! We even got you a cake!!!!!!” she whined, "How long will it take you to GET HERE?!"

Yeah, two hours. Ain't going to happen.

Ah….the first rule of surprise parties, Have control over the surpriseee. That will go down in the column of good intentions, although fail. I’m to understand that they all had a smashing great time. Albeit sans the birthday girl.

I’ve never been one to blow my own horn. I have a hard time drawing attention to myself. I enjoy attention, but not if it has to be asked for. I suppose that’s one of the reasons why no one really knew it WAS my birthday. Those closest to me know, and those linked to me via some social network or another probably got an email ‘You have friends with birthdays this week’ but otherwise I’m not about to go around telling everyone ‘It’s my Birthday!’, although I have been doing that a lot this year with all the coupons being sent to me. Everywhere I hand one in I get a gaggle of people wishing me Happy Happy.

I smile and thank them but really, please…don’t’ sing. I don’t need to wear a sombrero, I don’t need to be serenaded, I don’t want that free dessert. Well, no..I take that back…bring me a free dessert. AND a martini.

And more of those scrumptious chocolate covered strawberries.

I might make this birthday a birth WEEK celebration. Hell, maybe a birth MONTH!

And you know...I might even learn to like; the birthday song.

:-)

PS: It has turned into a birth week celebration thus far. Monday I was surprised by the ladies at work that not only brought me in a delicious (YUM!) chocolate cake but then took me out for drinks. I love my co-workers...This milestone is off to a good start.

time edited...

Where does the time go?

Is there a place that all those wasted minutes stack up? Large piles of hours and minutes and seconds of time just waiting to be used? Properly...

I’ve always been pretty good at time management. I am rarely late. I'm usually where I say I’m going to be at any given time and I try to use my time wisely. I’ll blame my mother for that one. She was the queen of time management.

I think back and wonder how she did all that she did. AND make it seem so effortless.

I try to emulate her, and without sounding conceited, I do a pretty damn good job at it. But I still seem to not quite measure up to my mother. She wasn’t a queen…she was a damned goddess.

I used to golf with an older woman who was spry and witty and funny and downright did not act her age. She cracked me up, turthfully, each week that I golfed with her. One day I asked her, "What's your secret? I want to be like you when I get older."

"Honey...", she purred, "when I hit fifty instead of adding a year at each birthday, I suptract a year. I'm now 27 and loving it more this time around!"

I’ve been driving in to see my dad once every week. He’s getting up in age and although in great health, his memory is lapsing and with my mom gone…well, I now have the hat of making sure everything is going smoothly with his home.

He has a bookkeeper that comes in three times a week and makes sure all his mail is sorted, opened and answered. A housekeeper that comes once a week to basically dust and put a load of laundry in. A handyman who comes two or three times a week just to putz in the yard and help out with whatever is needed at the moment. He goes to bible study once a week but has lunch with the minister at least twice a week. Those aren’t just 'gobble down a sandwich and leave' meetings, but two hour long debates on politics and the stock market meetings.

In a nutshell, he’s got a good support group at hand and isn’t just sitting around watching the time fly. He’s a pretty busy guy at 86…which in turn, keeps him pretty fit and healthy.

When I drive in I usually just spend the day. We’ll have breakfast, then do some paperwork, tour the yard (which is like out of Better Homes and Gardens) and many times dig up plantings for me to take home with me for my own yard. We talk, we laugh, sometimes we disagree and argue…but not much.

My dad was a ceramic engineer. He has over 65 patents in his name from his research. Many of them are only known in technical circles and others may be used by you daily. Long story short, he’s a brilliant man. A little quirky, but brilliant.

He has a dry sense of humor and likes to tell jokes. He has good delivery of them, and even if I’ve heard them before I like to listen. Growing up I don’t remember tons of jovial banter, he was stern. But lately there is some little prankster boy in him trying to get out and I never know what stunt he’s going to pull.

A few weeks ago we were out planting flowers in the front yard.

“Nancy, can you go get that curved downspout from over by the garage? I need to use it over on this side to divert some water into these beds…” he asked me.

“Sure thing dad…” Never one to question what hes asked of me I immediately started over to the downspout. I bent over to grab it and while lifting it up something green and animal like fell out and hit my thigh. I jumped, let out a small scream while my mind was busy trying to identify the foreign object.

Granted, the jump and scream were a bit of an overreaction. But just a week earlier I had a similar experience that I did not enjoy. While vacationing in Florida I would wake early and take my dog Sienna down to the beach and we’d walk, and walk, and walk. I wouldn’t turn on the lights so as not to wake BooBear. In the dark I would grab my beach shorts (normally discarded haphazardly on the floor in the dressing room), brush my teeth and comb my fingers through my hair and be off. I stopped briefly to check my reflection in the bathroom mirror. It was just getting to be daybreak so there was enough illumination to see a little, but not a lot. I leaned forward and peered into the glass. I dragged a washcloth over my face to get rid of the eye makeup smudges beneath my lashes. I put on some lip balm, straightened up, smoothed my tee and was about ready to go. I noticed that my camera strap was in my pocket…”Good” I thought, “I won’t have to search in the dark for my camera…”

Then my camera strap moved.

“What the hell…?”

I know they exist.
I’ve seen them. In photos.

But I’ve never seen one here at the beach cottage. And here it was residing in my pocket and now crawling out to find out why it’s being moved and oh my God it’s crawling down my shorts and if it gets on the skin of my leg I’m not going to be able to contain my scream Oh my God please don’t touch my skin please don’t touch my skin PLEASE DON’T TOUCH MY SKIN!!!!!

I quickly sashayed trying hard to move fast and make it to the bathroom without moving so IT wouldn't move. I was silently wishing my shorts were longer in length as the bug was now just at the hem. I got to the next room just in time to flick it OFF my shorts and into the toilet. I flushed so fast my arm movement was barely visible.

It was a palmetto bug about the size of my thumb. Yuck.

I texted my friend who owns the cottage.

'MICHELLE!!!! Your not goin to believe what crawled out of my pocket an almost got on my skin this morning!!!!…a palmetto bug. Or at least I think it was a palmetto bug. EEEWWWW’

I normally wouldn't call or text anyone that early in the morning, but I figured after that scare it was ok to wake her if she wasn’t up yet.

‘oh! THOSE are the GOOD bugs. They eat the BAD bugs’

Good bugs?
Bad bugs?

Personally, I don’t care if it’s a good bug or a bad bug….if it’s on my skin…well just thinking about it is making the hair on my arms stand up…double yuck.

So my jump and scream overreaction over what turns out to be a toy?

Yeah. Warranted.

This gila monster or something of its ilk came flying out the drainpipe, bounced off me and landed in the grass. I heard laughter and looked up. Here was my dad peering around the corner of the house laughing at me.

Not laughing, but snickering “tee-he-he-he” just like the little old lady in the book The Funny Little Woman by Arlene Mosel.

“DAD! What are you trying to DO to me! Did you put that there?”

“What? Where?” he replied with a gleen in his eye.

“Very funny Dad…” I said, “Very, very funny.”

It’s kindof nice seeing this playful side of my dad. This week he rubber banded that same gila monster toy to a napkin holder that has geese on it. It looks like it’s biting the gooses beak. He did this while we were going over some tax figures. Nonchalantly he replaced the napkin holder to the counter and put the napkins back in as if nothing was out of the ordinary.

It makes me laugh.
It makes me chuckle.

But also keeps me on my toes while I’m there. What will I find next week? It’s quite amusing really. Two weeks ago while out walking in the back meadow I saw something out of the corner of my eye that seemed out of place. I swung around only to find two large yellow eyes glaring at me from high up in a tree in the woods bordering the field. As my eyes focused on what was out of place it appeared to be a Halloween latex mask nailed to the side of a tree.

Of a werewolf.

When I got back to the house and asked him about it his reply was, “Funny isn’t it?”

Nice, Dad.

I guess time hasn’t gone anywhere. Or maybe it’s just managed to circle around in on itself. Or he's doing the same thing like the woman I used to golf with, except his math is a bit different. He IS brillabt after all.

My dad is not longer 86, but 12.
Playing pranks and giving me a heart attack.

I better get my will in order.
Just in case.

Who knows what surprises he’ll have for me in the future!
...and if my heart can take it.
:-)

sometimes it happens...

I lost a good friend today.
A really, really good friend.

In the back of my mind, I knew it was coming. I felt the change. The change was almost imperceptible, but it was there…hovering, stealth like over me. That sensation that something is about to happen. And although I expected it…it still made me sad.

I’ve had this friend for over 10 years. We traveled many places together, seen many things, had many experiences and share loads of secrets. We’ve been together through some great times and many a tear has been spilled on them. We’ve had a relatively long and wonderful relationship…but today, unfortunately, that relationship came to an end.

We were ripped apart, there's no better way to describe it. That sound of heartbreak, of tearing. I can still hear it in my ears, it’s something akin to the sound of metal on metal of a car crash, or glass breaking. Your mind, without visual, just automatically knows what it is.

The day started like any other day except that the sun was brightly shining, an oddity here on the north coast mid winter. It’s usually cold, and snowy, and gray. This time of year is full of hues of gray. It’s about this time of year up north that we all start dreaming of sun, and beaches and warmth. This entire winter season has been extremely mild. No snow, a little cold and today; lots of sun.

My master bedroom is up on the third floor of my home. There is a row of cottage windows facing east that at first dawn lets me know what the weather is like outside without ever having to reach for my phone to pull up Weatherbug for the forecast. There are three skylights that also grant me the knowledge before ever swinging my legs out of bed what kind of outerwear I will need for the day. I like the light that streams in and have never bought draperies to cover these windows, or film to dim the light cascading in through the rooftop. It makes it difficult to sleep in or take daytime naps with all the light in my room, but it’s quite nice. There have been times that I’ve thrown a makeshift blockade to the suns rays when my daughter used to sneak upstairs and crawl into bed with me. I’d wake to see her cherubic face on the pillow with the beams of light dancing on her cheekbones. I’d roll out of bed and either make a barrier of pillows on her side to block the sun or throw a sheet over the windows to douse the rays.

But this morning it was just me stretching in the suns rays. I was scheduled to work this afternoon but Boo was off from school as the teachers had some meeting to attend and I knew already before even rising that I was going to take the day off. We needed a little mom/daughter girlie time and today was the perfect day to do so.

I got up, showered and called work. Although I am and wanted to be completely honest, I found myself spewing a fib. It wasn’t what I had planned but there I was…smack dab in the middle of it.

“Hi Maureen? It’s Nancy. I’m scheduled to be there at 11 but I’m not going to be able to make it today….” I trailed off, wincing...waiting for lashback.

“OH!...Is everything okay?” she exclaimed.

“It is, yes. I’m fine. But…” and then I stumbled a bit, mentally. The devil on the one shoulder, the angel on the other. I almost caved and was going to say that I would be a little late and go in to work anyway…and then I thought, No…I’m really not needed. I’ve been practicing that little two letter word; NO. It’s a hard one to say. For me at least, but I’m making progress. My mouth forms the word, I just need to push the air out through my teeth in order for it to be audible. I reasoned that they would probably cut my shift short anyway so I mustered up and continued…”Boo isn’t feeling well. I’m going to stay home with her today.” I cringed at the sound of my fib, biting my finger.

“OK…I’ll tell June. I hope she feels better.” No fight. No reprimand. On one hand I was relieved and on the other, worried.

Tell June…yeah,  I thought.
I bet you will.

Maureen has become the new tattle tale of our store. We have a new manager and she has been sucking up to her with no holdbacks. You can almost feel the breeze from the suction when she walks behind our new leader. If you park somewhere in the yellow lines, not the white ones…Maureen will call June. If you take 22 minutes for a break instead of 15, she’ll call June. If the sales people make 8 calls instead of the required 10, she’ll tell June. She brought chocolates and champagne in for an employee who decided to retire after 10 years with the company and then retreated to the office with June to bad mouth her after she’d left. Nice lady…but not trustworthy. Fact is at the company Christmas party gift exchange she’s the one who will choose the gift YOU chose just because someone else wants it. It’s quite odd. And quite pathetic.

So to NOT come in to work with her today didn’t quite make me feel badly. Acquaintances, we are. Workmates, we are. Friends, we are not.

Friends are trusted individuals.
Friends are people you rely on.
Friends are people that you know will always be there for you. No matter what.

I’ve had ‘friends’ in the past with whom I thought were friends but turned out weren’t really my friends. Friends that betrayed me. Friends that have betrayed my trust. I’ve had friends in the past that we just lost touch and we no longer connect. I’ve had friends with whom I have reconnected and feels like we picked up right where we left off. There are those that build you up and those that drag you down. Sometimes some of the people with whom we are friends with run its course and they just disappear.

I was cleaning out my file cabinet the other day. It’s become quite a mess. I’ve been throwing items in there without a filing system in place of stuff that I want to keep but just don’t quite know where to put it. When taking everything out I found a birthday card from a friend.

I use the word friend, because that’s what I thought she was. I loved this woman. When I met her I thought I’d found a sister. Our girls were classmates and that’s how we first made contact. Our girls were friends and then we became friends. Close friends. And then one day…she just wasn’t anymore.

I never did know, don’t understand  and never got an explanation of what happened. Boo and I went south for Easter break and when I returned, she would no longer return phone calls. Funny thing, I had brought her back a souvenir. She loved drinking wine and there were T-shirts playing off the Life is Good line that said “life sucks”. This particular shirt sported an empty wine bottle tipped on its side and read “out of wine. "Life sucks” under it. I found it particularly humorous. I thought she would too. So I bought it to wear on her new regimen on her treadmill. I brought it back, left it on her porch and waited for the ‘Thank You’ phone call.

It never came.
I ran into her husband at the music store where our kids took piano lessons.

“Did your wife get her present I left her?”

“Well, I’m not sure. What did you leave?”

“Oh…I brought her a T-shirt from Florida. I thought it was funny and made me think of her! I left it on the back porch...”

“I’ll have to ask her. I really don’t know…”

Two weeks passed and I hadn’t heard a peep. So I called. “I left you a present. I thought it was funny. I hope I didn’t offend you with the humor and if I did…please accept my apology.”
Another two weeks later and still no word.

That was almost a year ago.

This past summer I was invited to a Bocce Ball party. She and her family were there. I left within a half hour because her obvious avoidance of me reduced me to tears. What the hell happened? It was awkward. It felt horrible. So I claimed a headache to the hostess and left.

So coming across this card with her written sentiment, “ I didn’t need anymore friends. You were simply the piece of chocolate cake, that fabulous bottle of 1996 Bordeaux, that pretty shiny bauble I wanted in the worst way. Whether or not I needed you, you always made things more colorful, more fun, more hilarious, more beautiful. You have made me believe that there is always room for ‘one more’…because maybe that ‘one’ will make all the difference.”

She signed it with a “OH, I love you so!”

2 years later she never spoke to me again. Go figure.
So yeah…I have had (unfortunately) a little experience with losing close friends.Good friends. Friends that you thought would be around forever but then they aren’t.

Losing my friend today brought back that immediate shock of when I lost that friend a year ago. One minute they were close and the next it was time to throw them away. And throw this friend away I did. I’ve learned  that there would be no need to drag this on. There would be no going back, no repair work that could be done.

So on this seemingly normal day where I showered like usual, I dressed like usual and waited for my daughter to get ready herself…just like usual, I lost another close friend.

Gathering up Boo's discarded potential outfits I felt it before I heard the sound.
Yes…you guessed it. The entire inner seam of my favorite jeans just gave way. Ripped away to be completely honest. Air rushed in and I started to laugh. Laughing so hard tears trailed down my cheeks. My daughter swung around to find out what the heck was going on with her mom...

"You okay?...!!! she asked.
"Oh yeah. But loooook." I pointed.
"Oh my. Those are your favorite! That's too funny..totes!"

Totes m'goats...fer sure.

I had repaired  the back pockets a several times already. There were multiple thin spots and frays along the inside seams. Many of the belt loops had pulled loose over the years. The bottom hems were fringed from wear. These Levi’s were a perfect fit when I bought them, so I bought 4 pairs. All but one had bit the dust, revealing too much skin from too many tears. These were the last remaining pair…and I loved them.

And now they are gone. Some relationships come to a screeching end and some fade like sunsets.
The difference is…my jeans can be replaced.

Good thing I was at home when it happened AND wearing undies.
:-)

easy laughter...

I was just minding my own business.

Yes, I was laughing.
Yes, I was having fun.
Yes, I was with friends. But I was minding my own damn business and yet, someone was coming up to our table with that familiar look of authority.

You probably know by now from past stories that I seem to rather approachable. Random strangers in line at the grocery, or passersby at the park, or gas station attendants/toll-booth operators/fast food clerks; I’ve learned…no, experienced, over the years that when someone is walking towards me and looks as though they are about to speak? They usually do.

I’ve gleaned intimate details of their lives from these veritable strangers. Or their daughters lives; or spouses lives; or the lives of their next door neighbors. I’ve heard about their upcoming surgeries or past surgeries. I heard things that are humorous; things that are sad; and things that are heartwarming…all from strangers. Perfect strangers that obviously needed to speak out about whatever was on their mind…and I just happened to be the person in the line of fire.

I’m not sure what it IS about me exactly that entices these random incidences to happen. I did at one time wish to be a psychiatrist, but that was long ago and I’m not exactly handing out business cards to listen. My daughter all but has accepted this phenomenon as a regular occurrence. When out to eat she expects the waiter or waitress to strike up in-depth conversation. She used to roll her eyes when it started, she now just sits and waits, absorbing the spectacle and then messages it to her friends. “Yup. Sitting in a restaurant with my mom. And yup, someone is telling her a story…again.”

Last month my friend Laurie and I were out dining. Having beenin the industry I do always try to pay attention when the waiter or waitress says their name and then at least once use him or her name when ordering. I’ve found over the years that you will indeed get better service and hey, it just makes them feel better! So why not? But my thanking Marisa, our waitress, for her exceptional service kindof backfired in a way. Apparently now since she knew our names and we hers Marisa pulled up a chair, sat down and commenced to join in on our converstion. It was the end of the evening. We were her last table. But she might have filled our wine glasses prior to pulling up said chair…that would’ve been nice! It was a tad odd but fun all at the same time. Yet one more story to add to the collection.

So with all this history with people I don’t know, when I saw someone approaching our table while kicking back, relaxing and enjoying not only the company but the ambiance at a local Irish pub…it wasn’t totally surprising to me, and yet it always is, when an elderly gentleman approached our table.

“Are ye havin’ fun?” he asked me in a deep Irish brogue.

“Why yes…yes, I am!” I responded. Putting my hand to the side of my mouth and whispering to him as if we were sharing a secret, “Is it that noticeable?”

He looked me straight in the eye and said, “Aye, it 'tis…I heard yer laughter way over to the other side dere and taught I should top over and see fer meself what all da ruckus about.”

“I’m so sorry. Was I being too loud?” I asked.

I really was taken aback. I mean, I was laughing…but it’s laughter! In a pub! I didn’t know I should have been using 5 star restaurant golf club cocktail party laughter in a pub. His comment actually made me feel suddenly slightly deflated. I didn’t realize that I had been bothering anyone. I made a little mental note; ‘don’t laugh so loud’ to myself.

“No my darlin’…I LOVE the sound of yer laughter! I just wanted to you to know yer welcome here anytime.” He winked at me. “And to prove it to ya, the next rounds on the house. You’re making all dese people over dere happy with da sound of it.”

This little compliment almost made me cry.
In a split second I thought about the fact that laughter hadn’t come so easy in the several years past.

Many of my past memories that I think “well, there was that one time...that was fun” wasn't really. It was forced fun. Not real fun. Doing things, planning things, creating things in only to make him happy. I felt that if I made him laugh, him happy, then I too, would be happy in return.

Yeah. It doesn't work like that. Go figure...

I asked my companions “do I laugh too loud?”

“NO!!!” they all replied. “it’s so good to hear! You didn’t laugh for a long time, Nancy. We thought you had forgotten how to.”

Yikes! Really? How did that happen to me? It still surprises me to think back to where I had ended up mentally. That wasn’t the Nancy that I knew…this laughing Nancy is the one that I’ve always embraced! The one that I’ve always had the mental image of who I was. Who I am.

But as it turns out, it had been such a long time since I could feel my eyes twinkle, so long since I'd been happy or when laughter came so easily. It’s been such a very long time since I’ve been this relaxed. And this confident. To feel as though doors are opening and I’m excited to explore and see what the day brings. I used to look forward to bed, where I would toss and turn, unable to sleep because of the stress and depression my relationship had put me. I wanted so desperately for the day to end…quickly, so I wouldn’t have to endure another moment of it. All in hopes that when I awoke, things would be different. Things would have changed. And then I lost that hope.

Until a year ago October.
It broke my heart. He broke my heart. But it's fully mended now.

My laughter comes easy.
My confidence in place.

I even enjoy that strangers talk to me. It’s all pretty cool in the big scheme of things. I’m in a very, very good place right now. And obviously, it shows. 

As it turns out, this spry elderly gentleman is the owner and purveyor of said Pub. “You come back now anytime darlin’”, he said to me as he bowed to me holding my hand. “We’re in dire need of da sound of yer laughter in this place.”

He had no idea how he hit that on the head. As it turns out, I had been in dire need of hearing my laughter myself. And on my leave I promised him that indeed I would be back. And soon.

I already own my own mug there, hung from the ceiling with my name on it, but it’s really not been used much since it’s purchase. But me thinks it won’t be gathering any dust from now on out. I do believe that I’ve found my Cheers!

Slainte!
:-)