Saturday, January 16, 2010

bring on the body cast...

Sometimes what I say isn't quite what I mean.

It's happens alot.
More often in the last three months or so.

No. I don't have Tourettes. I don't start spitting out obscenities (normally) unprovoked. My mind is just moving faster than my lips...and so the word (s) that come out are similar, but not always the one (s) chosen by my mind. It's like my mouth has it's own drummer and by God, it's marching along to it at it's own damn speed.

My daughter has gotten used to it.
Most of my friends have as well.

There's a relative comfort zone for me. I can spout out whatever and they all know what it is that I mean, even if that isn't what I've said.

For instance, this morning as I was standing on my friend Melissa's front porch she was informing me that her daughter Lucy had been sick. Lucy had missed school the day before, but was feeling better on this gray Saturday morning. Just in time for her sleepover with my daughter this evening.

Melissa inquired if I knew about 'Neti Pots'. That wonderful cleanser of sinuses. Nothing like pouring water into your nostril to have it flush green stuff out the other side. I don't like the feeling of water up my nose. Never have. And although I know it's a good practice, I never could quite get used to the idea.

I have a really cool looking one that I had picked up with the full intention of using it daily in the winter months. My friend Pamela swears that since she's been using hers, she's never had a cold. Sounded good to me. I don't like colds either, so the Neti was now all mine.

I've used it once.

I'd rather be sick.
Really.
I would.

Like I said, I just don't like the feeling. Nor do I like seeing what comes from out of my sinuses. Although I must admit, the wall color of Boo's room kind of resembles the shade of that last infection...

So Melissa was asking if I was familiar with a Neti Pot. She's been giving Lucy treatments with it to rid her of the blasted infection. I said, "Yes, I'm familiar with them. But I don't use them. Often."

"I can come over later and help Lucy with it, if you don't mind. Either that or she can come back home when the other girls go to bed...but she'd prefer to stay over.", Melissa told me.

"I have a humidor that I can put in Boo's room. That might help."

It didn't dawn on me until Melissa called me on my cell that I had said humidor, not humidifier.

We laughed. I mentioned that "I'll just light up a big ol' Cuban for her and that'll take care of any ailments."

She responded with, "Yeah. That's how heroin usage usually gets started."

These are how our conversations go, Melissa and mine. Back and forth, building our laughter to a credenza until we can't breathe.

I mean, crescendo, not credenza. That's what I have behind my sofa.

She then shared with me a story of her neighbors sister that has the same problem as me. Mixing up words with others that don't mean anything close to what was meant to be said. It was so freakin' funny I almost peed my pants. Seriously. I did.

So, that's a warning.
Got coffee?
Put it down.

Possibility of needing to go to the loo?
Go now.

Her neighbors sister had a cast on her leg.

She'd been experiencing some severe pain in her foot. The doctor identified it as bone spurs, or it's medical term 'plantar fasciitis'. He suggested surgery as the answer. So she had surgery done. While at the grocery a woman had approached her to ask about her obvious injury as she was sporting a large, up to the knee cast. A total stranger expressing concern. Inquiring on how she was feeling. How nice...

She replied, "Oh. That. I got fellatio."

Fellatio.
(She meant to say 'fasciitis'. The medical term in order to sound intelligent. She didn't quite get that right.)

Excuse me? Come again? What. Did she fall off the bed and break her ankle? Knock her foot too hard on the headboard?

Fellatio.

She wondered why the woman, this perfect stranger, had given her such a quizzical look. It was just her foot, after all.

She didn't realize what it was, or recalled what she said, until later. Much later.

I'd like to hear her try to explain that the next time if she ever runs into her again.

I can guarantee that woman will switch aisles so fast and continue to do so as to not run into the woman ailing from oral sex. If it had been me she'd said that to, I'd have laughed my ass off right in her presence. I'm sure I would have. I'd have fallen into the cereal boxes like a rag doll unable to control myself. "Clean-up on aisle 3!" you'd hear blaring over the loudspeaker.

Oh yeah, I can hold it together...I'm cool like that.
Right.

Fellatio.

I love it.
Hell, I'd willingly be sporting two casts if that's the price you pay.

But really. Who am I kidding.
You can just put me in a full body cast. Thank you.
It'd so be worth it.

:-)




41 comments:

  1. That is just too hilarious. I can only imagine this woman running through scenarios in her mind trying to connect fellatio to an ankle injury. "Fellatio... and then his wife walked in and she had to run away and she tripped?"

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  2. I never mixed the two up, but would LOVE to use this in a sentence when the time presents itself; "I have self defecating humor"... instead of "...self deprecating humor".

    Great post. I cracked up!

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  3. Great post! Thanks for the warning - I'm glad I put my tea down...

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  4. LOL! Great post and yes, I did almost pee my pants - thanks for the warning!

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  5. I initially was thinking that perhaps humidor was a regional term for humidifier. I was puzzled... but the reward came later. She really said that??!!! Unbelievable!

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  6. The older I get, the weirder the things are that pop out of my mouth... bring on the body cast!

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  7. I've been tripping over my own tongue for years.

    It's part of my charm. :-)

    Pearl

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  8. I. need. to. breathe. .... Laughing so hard that it hurts. And my friend in the next room called out to see what was up! ...and her dogs had to check out the noise.

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  9. I'm totally using this as an excuse to get out of fellatio "honey, I could break my leg!!"
    hahaha

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  10. ohmygoodness, that is TOO FUNNY. really.

    kelly

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  11. That was named after the author, Fellatio Alger, right?

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  12. Brilliant post. Really, really funny!

    Kate x
    http://search-for-the-perfect10.blogspot.com

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  13. Glad you warned me to put my coffee down!Hilarious. As a preventative I take colloidal silver daily, and if I start to get a tickle in my throat, I up my dose...I have not even gotten a cold for over a year since I started this.

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  14. Is it bad that I didn't even notice your humidor gaff until you pointed it out. LOL

    I'm actively trying to think of how Fellatio could turn into a broken ankle! Hahaha.

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  15. You're a regular Ms. Malaprop, aren't you?

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  16. Full body cast....OMG, you crack me up!!

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  17. I once said "Genital Motors" to a complete stranger. General Motors was the idea.

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  18. This made my day. Thanks, Nancy. :o)

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  19. My favorite was my not so refined employee, during a presentation to 13 or so folks, talking about how things were in the past at our company...."Customers would ask for this or that and it would just go into the abisque..." I asked him later if that was some kind of mysterious soup.

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  20. OMG Nancy, this post is HYSTERICAL!!!

    Fellatio.

    I love it.
    Hell, I'd willingly be sporting two casts if that's the price you pay
    .

    oooo...me too!

    HAHAHAHHAAHHAHA!

    My mind is just moving faster than my lips...

    Trust me, I know what you mean. Me too!

    Thanks for the great laugh, Nancy!

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  21. Hey Nancy!

    Truly, you are Mrs. Malaprop! But you are not alone... My most recent one was "bio-detestable" when I meant "bio-degradable".

    But of course, if I ever get plantar fasciitis, I'll be sure to give your friend a call.

    Indigo

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  22. I am sure after I said "pardon" once or twice I would have let out one of those snort laughs right in her face ~ but that is me ~ all sass and no class. Not really no class but I think you get the picture. :o)

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  23. I would have laughed so hard that the woman would have been so embarrassed!And that could make her ask me what she had said and i would go, "Sweetheart, you said fellatio. Come on!". And ofcourse, continue with the laughter.
    The piece cracked me up. Thanks

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  24. I am always scared when I blurt out a word that has no connection to what i'm talking about. And, I'm only 40. It's all down hill from here. Love the last example. Too funny!

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  25. If only I could remember all my word screw ups, there are way too many! Like..Lunch box will turn into bunch lox.

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  26. Yeah, it'd be worth it, but it would be much harder to perform in a body cast! Great story!

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  27. Oh goodness! I have a feeling life will get a lot funnier as I get older...for everyone around me!

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  28. When I was still in high school, my parents had a friend who had a baby. She was a little cajun woman, and it was her first pregnancy. After having the baby, she was telling my parents and some of their friends the story of the delivery.

    She meant to say "placenta."

    Instead, she kept talking about her "persimmon."

    The worst part was that everyone in the room had to keep from falling on the floor laughing in this lady's face.

    It's been 12 or 13 years since then, and my parents still laugh like hyenas every time they talk about it.

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  29. My sister has provided hours of laughter for our whole family over the years with similar verbal slip-ups. Once she asked a family friend, "Has the navy always been in the sea?"
    Oh, we give her a hard time - but she's a good sport.

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  30. LOL! What a great story to put a smile on my face first thing in the morning. Hiliarious!

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  31. That is so funnY!!! I too suffer from the same!!
    Love your blog and always look forward to your posts!!

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  32. Your post really made me laugh and brought back some memories of an old friend. She was notorious for mixing up words. Once she told guests that she hoped they enjoyed the placenta instead of polenta and she always called the turkey giblets...gilberts.
    Enjoy your day.
    Sunny :)

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  33. Be sure that your body cast leaves your toes exposed so that they can curl up freely. What a great post. I chose not to heed your warning and I do believe I peed a little.

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  34. HA! She will NEVER LIVE THAT DOWN. A faux pas like that stays with you for LIFE. I think it's a rule...or a commandment, or something.

    Great post...great laugh!

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  35. Sign me up for that full body cast! I'm right behind ya!

    fellatio indeed!

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  36. Fruedian slip? Nah. Prob not.

    I could NOT shoot water up my nose an out the other side. Just could not!

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  37. HAHAHAHA!! That is totally something I would do! I mix words up all the time. I didn't even catch "humidor" until you pointed it out. I knew exactly what you were talking about! :)

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Do it. Do it NOW!
:-)