Sunday, January 31, 2010

more warped by the hour glass...

"I tried to stop it, but I was trapped. The car was out of control. No driver, the passenger useless for help, me trapped in the back and there were people in the path of the car..."

The other morning my friends and I gathered at the local coffee shop for a little bit of java joe, a tasty morsel or two and a lot of conversation. It was exceedingly cold with a fresh layer snow over the ice left from the winter storm that had barreled through the night before. It was also extremely bright with the suns rays reflecting off everything but the salt stained cars.

From my comfy chair between the window and the fireplace, I had a good view of the passersby this frigid morning. I guiltily enjoyed watching the woman in her stiletto boots slip and fall as she tried unsuccessfully to navigate the pile of snow on the curb. Slip...smack! Down she went. Why she had on stilettos in the wake of a snowstorm is beyond me. But it was quite amusing, especially when she saw that her fauxpas did not go unnoticed by the patrons within.

As conversations jumped from topic to topic; husband back from a Haiti supply drop; new haircut deemed successful; children once again in the hoosegow for missing homework...I told my klatch about my previous nights dream. I hadn't slept much, I just manged to tick the hours by by looking at the illuminated clock on my nightstand every hour and twelve minutes. It was a mathematically wonder. 11:14. 12: 26. 1:38. 2:50. And so it went the entire evening until my programmed alarm buzzed. As if I needed it. I was a warped, but consistent hour glass.

Coffee was needed this morning. Large quantities of it if I was going to make it through my day.

I have the tendency to recall dreams. I do much of my list making and next days planning when I dream. I keep a tablet on my bed stand so I can jot ideas down, so I won't forget when morning comes...which does happen often. When I recounted my dream to my friends, they all chimed in with it's meaning, which I hadn't even thought about.

I was upstairs on the third floor of my home and looked out the window to see what all the loud commotion was in front of my house. Here was a large dump truck parked at the end of my drive, with the driver poised and ready to pull the lever to dump 10 tons of loose bricks on the apron of my drive. I held my hands to the sides of my mouth to try to make myself heard below . I screamed, "NO! Wrong driveway!" But to no avail. The bricks tumbled from the back and made an enormous, haphazard pile. As I ran down the stairs to try to catch this fool that just ruined my yard, my driveway, my morning with this pile of ruble, the first thought that came to mind was, "Maybe, just maybe I can drive over them? It might not be too bad after all..." But I didn't get downstairs fast enough, the driver was pulling away. He kept leaning out his truck to pick up loose bricks from off the road that had fallen out of the truck on his way up the street. I stood and watched as he leaned out too far and fell from the truck. It continued barreling up the street without a driver and crashed into some parked cars at the end of our road. I ran up to the driver and demanded his name, the company's name, why he dumped the bricks, etc....but all my questions went unanswered and were ignored. At that very moment my ex happened by. Inquired what was happening, why I was upset. He said he'd give me a ride back home. I got in the car, which wasn't his but borrowed, a sleek 2 door Mercedes coupe, but had to climb into the cramped back area behind the seats because of another passenger. He looked like Cartman from South Park, and was a little 'touched'...not quite all there. The ex got out of the running car to get something he had forgotten but had left it in neutral and the car started to roll away. I kept telling this guy, the passenger, "Step on the brake pedal! Pull the emergency brake! Do something!" But he did nothing. How could he, he was just made of felt. As we were gaining speed, I noticed that we were going into a street fair blocked off for pedestrian traffic. There were children walking in the path of the rapidly gaining speed car I was in, trapped, unable to do anything. The children kept popping down under the car between the tires, unhurt, and then popping back up like those targets that you shoot with water guns at a fairground. I managed to finally squeeze out of the confined back and pull the emergency brake and bring the car to a stop before anyone was hurt. I opened the car door, fell out crying and collapsed.

The coffee girls in unison said, "Do you feel out of control?" I'm thinking, "...well, yeah, maybe a little. But what's new. Welcome to my world..."

When I got home, I looked up the symbols from my dream. The car? It represents your personal space, spiritual direction and motivation. To be in a car alerts us to our own motivation. To dream that you are in a car crash, indicates that your beliefs, lifestyle, or goals are clashing with another's. It may also represent a shocking situation or painful experience. Being a passenger in the car represents handing over responsibility for our lives to someone else. Dreaming of brakes shows the ability to be in control of a situation, while crashing a vehicle suggests fear of failure in life.

To see a truck in your dream, suggests that you are overworked. You are taking on too many tasks and are weighed down by all the responsibilities. To see a brick in your dream, represents your individual ideas and thoughts. Experience and/or heartbreak may have hardened you. To see your ex-husband/wife in your dream, indicates that you are finding yourself in a situation that you do not want to be in. It suggests that you are experiencing a similar relationship or situation which makes you feel unhappy and uncomfortable. And to see children in your dream, signify an aspect of yourself and your childlike qualities. You may be retreating back to a childlike state where you are longing for the past and the chance to satisfy repressed desires and unfulfilled hopes. Perhaps there is something that you need to see grow and nurtured. To save a child, signifies your attempts to save a part of yourself from being destroyed.

Wow. But c'mon.

All of these things could be true, to an extent. Which now freaks me out a little. My mind speaking to me whilst I slept. Thanks be to my posse for filling me in what I didn't acknowledge before they enlightened me. Couldn't we have one image per dream? My brain didn't have to load them all into one, did it? Too bad it couldn't have used my reoccurring dream of Johnny Depp, baby, to overload with images. Why not choose that one? That one was goooooood. Oh no, it had to be the one that would basically tell me when I looked it up that my life (as per my brain) was in shambles.

Have you ever watched that program 'Solitary'? I don't watch it on a regular basis, but the other night I was flipping through my 1000 or so channels looking for something decent to watch for a few moments of down time.

I am intrigued by the premise of this show; placed in a small room with the only contact a disembodied voice. I thought to see what 'treatments' the computer was going to instill on it's human inhabitants.

Interestingly enough after being alone, speaking only with a computer without sleep, put through physical tasks, mental tasks...the inhabitants are introspective and share insights into their psyche. The episode had a Romanian writer, Florin, as contestant #4. He shared, "If I put something off and don't attempt it because I'm afraid I'll fail. Yet by not attempting it, I've failed already."

While I listened to him talk about this in his lilting accented voice, it hit home.

There are times that I don't want to do something. So I neglect it. I put it off. The mentality of 'Out of sight, out of mind'.

Yeah, not good practice. It doesn't always work to my advantage.

Take into consideration the film "House of Sand and Fog" with Jennifer Connelly and Ben Kingsley. The film firmly fixes itself in the realms of classic tragedy, and all could have been avoided if Jennifer Connelly would've opened her damn mail. Seriously. That's what it boiled down to.

I know from personal experience. If you ignore tasks, to hopefully disappear so you won't have to deal with them, it only makes matters worse. I joke that I must have been a farmer in a past life. When it gets light; I get up. When it gets dark; I go to bed. I also must have been an ostrich at one time as well. If something bothers me, really bothers me...I disappear. I put my head in the sand and wait for it to blow over.

When in this state, don't expect me to answer the phone, return e-mails, or have social lunches when I in 'ostrich mode'. It's not going to happen. I retreat within myself and wait.

Sometimes it just takes me an hour or two to 'heal', get over what's bugging me. Sometimes days; or months. I'd guesstimate that I've been functioning lately at about 65%. I didn't realize how deeply my mothers passing has affected me. Sure, outwardly it appears as all is normal. I get Boo to school on time, make sure all details of her life are taken care of. But for me? Not so much. I ignore my needs many times.

I didn't send out Christmas cards this year. I've never done that. I've yet to answer some of the correspondence from the funeral. I've perused and corresponded with some on eHarmony, but I've not followed up with any of them. There have been offers of coffee, or drinks...but I don't answer. I don't make those plans. Is that what my brain was telling me?

That on a basic level, I'm sometimes afraid of life like Florin was.
Or I'll climb into that driverless car. With Cartman, no less.

Come to think of it, I might look good in felt.
But what I'd really like is some good old fashioned sleep. Without the planning. Without the lists. And definitely without bricks, without trucks and without crashing cars into small children.

Yeah. I want some sleep.

I don't need my mind telling me stuff that I really don't want to acknowledge. At least for today. Maybe tomorrow. I dig procrastination.

Is that okay?

Yeah. That's sounds good.



  1. You have a great Posse. :)

    No worries about those Christmas cards, love... and all those things you put off will eventually get done.

    Keep on keepin' on. I loved that you dissected your dream. I do that too.

    Get some much needed rest. We'll be here. :)

  2. I can totally relate to all of the above. I wish I could offer some helpful advice. You need to take care of yourself first. But that's always easier said than done. Something will eventually come along that inspire you to pull your head out of the hole. Until then, continue healing.

  3. Procrastination is one of my talents. Or, should I say, my only talent. If you asked me if I was afraid of failing, I'd say heck yes. But not getting back up? Impossible.

    I also once had a dream about a magic eight ball on the sidewalk. Think that means anything....unusual?

  4. I do think our dreams can reveal things to us, what our deeper selves are up to, but I don't buy that this=that in a dream. I like to use them as guidelines and try to delve into what I'm feeling. If you do it regularly, it can get interesting. But sometimes you just have to think that your brain is processing some information in a jumbled way and it really doesn't mean a hill of beans. Here's hoping you get some sleep.

  5. Thankfully I don't usually remember my dreams. I'm typically too exhausted when my head hits the pillow to have them bother me. :)

    I will be praying that you get some good restful sleep.

  6. Ive had dreams about certain people that bring them to my immediate radar for weeks...

    but i hope you get some sound sleep friend!

  7. Okay,'s called AMBIEN.'s the only thing that truly calms the restless, ever-running mind!

    My interpretation of your dream? (You're dying to know...right?)

    You have a secret desire for a brick driveway...maybe something snazzy with a nice herringbone effect?

    The dump truck is reminding you that tomorrow's garbage night and your Mercedes-driving-ex who abandons you in a moving vehicle? Oh, c'mon! You KNOW this one!!

  8. I am prone to "ostrich -mode" as well (great term btw!). It sounds like you know exactly what you need (to take care of your own needs right now), so allow it to happen. Go get a massage, a manicure, a day at the beach, do something for you Dear! And then fill us in on these Johnny Depp dreams.... mmmm, he's so delicious :)

  9. i totally hear you. i go through it in phases, though...


  10. I don't keep a notebook by my bed. Maybe it's because I really do NOT want to remember what I dream. I don''t get much sleep either though. Maybe 4 hours a night, if that. My own fault.
    I have watched the show "Solitary". Amazing what you learn about yourself in a situation like that.
    Try to get some much deserved sleep. Don't be so hard on yourself. I've been procrastinating a lot more than usual. I get worse with the Christmas cards every year.
    I don't think it's just you though. It seems the worse things get, we try to back away from or avoid them. The state the world is in with wars & tragedies, I'm surprised anyone sleeps.
    Be good to yourself. Take care of you! (((HUGS)))

  11. Maybe now that you've analyzed the dream you'll sleep a little better? I know what you mean about ostrich mode, and I think sometimes we just have to respect our brains' and bodies' need for rest.

  12. Your dream sounds totally exhausting Nancy! I hope you manage to find some quality sleep - it always makes me feel better.

    Kate x

  13. Sounds like you need a spa vacation. Just you, all treatments, meals, activities planned by the spa and you can just relax and live in the moment. Who couldn't come back from that refreshed to jump back into the "list".
    The cold, grey of winter doesn't help. Forced socializing doesn't help. What's wrong with a little hibernation. Get Boo off to school and then go back to bed. Today is a mental health day, my friend!

  14. I cannot believe you analized all those symbols...that in itself would be enough to wear anyone out! Did you sleep better after that? So now, take a deep breath and take care of know spend some time pampering yourself.

  15. You have to give yourself a break. Analyzing the dream probably didn't tell you anything you didn't already know. All in good time. You are doing the best you can.
    Hang in there.

  16. That is quite a dream! I hate dreams like that where you have no control over anything...I recently had a similar one where I couldn't press hard enough on the brakes of a car to make it stop...scary.

    Here's hoping you get some rest and feel better soon.

  17. Sounds so familiar, that "ostrich mode".. and the need of sleep. *yawn*

  18. I know somewhat how you are feeling...when my dad died in March of 1998 everyone said..."oh you are so strong" and I hated it....didn't want to hear that...didn't know what it ment...Everyone thought I was fine...I was not. That summer when I was out of work ( summer break) all I did was read murder mysterys... All I can say is it takes time and everyone has their own time. Try to do things that make you happy and write down your is something I didn't do and now I wish that I had.

  19. Hmmm, wonder what all those claustrophobic nightmares were all about? They went away when I got divorced!

  20. i have terrible insomnia and resort to pharmaceuticals to sleep. not good at all but it's what i do. i lost my mother four years ago and i think about her every day. i'm a terrible procrastinator and put everything off then get mad at myself because i don't take care of business. i wish i could be like a farmer and wake up when the sun comes calling but i can sleep, easily, until 10:00 am. i have ultra bizarre dreams of which i can sometimes make sense of and other times realize, they are just dreams because if they aren't, i AM certifiably nuts.

    Very thought provoking post.

  21. I have the weirdest dreams of anyone I know. Often I am trapped and people will not understand what I have to say and perceive me as bad. Not too hard to decipher that one huh? But then there are the flying dreams, often I dream of my dead relatives and think nothing of them driving or anything else. And I am in the car, going down a terribly rutted gravel road....
    Anyway I didn't send out anything after my dads funeral for months, it's been 9 years and I can still cry when talking about him. It's OK... SLEEP.

  22. At least you're not filled with contempt for the general population. That only leads to zombie nightmares.

  23. your out of control dreams sound like mine.

    and melatonin helps me. have you tried it?

  24. Dreams really do tell you a lot about what is going on in your life. And, it sounds like you do have a pretty good handle on it even if you don't feel like you do. Sometimes you do need to just put everything aside and not think about it for a little while. But eventually, it will all creep up on you if you don't start dealing with it head on. I think your dream is telling you that.
    Good luck and go get a prescription for some sleeping pills. Sleep is so critical.

  25. Good friends!

    I'm a pretty crappy sleeper myself and have for the last four years taken melatonin almost every night. It really helps and is an over-the-counter supplement.


  26. Hey Nancy! Wow, bizarre stuff. The dumping of bricks on the driveway is the bit that caught my attention for some reason, despite the appearance of a stuffed, felt Cartman. My dreams become increasingly bizarre and memorable only after I've caught up on sleep, so I can't take some early nights to get rid of mine! I hope the dream helped you shuffle some stuff around in your head tho, and that better sleep resulted. Indigo

  27. Dreaming all those things together sounds like you are definately overwhelmed and deserve a little "me" time. Take care of yourself and be good to yourself so you can take care of boo bear!

  28. Wow. I feel amazingly similar. We lead such different lives but yet some how our thoughts intertwine. I am a big procrastinator! UGH!

    Always working on that though and trying to stay positive.

    Thanks for stopping by and I will try to get back here more often to comment. Always reading but not always enough time to comment.

    Have a great day!

  29. I always have weird dreams. I thought you were going to say that the dump truck had a lod of manure. I was then going to say, "Lucky you!" My mother ALWAYS said that if you dream about shit, it means MONEY!! One time I dreamed that I had diarrhea and that it was running down my legs. THe next day my boss came up to me and told me that we were getting a cost of living raise!

  30. I love to dig into my dreams and find out shit I already knew was bothering me but didn't have the sense to slow mah-self down long enough to...
    oh hell I'm doing it again.

  31. My dreams are often so vivid and mysterious... You are good to delve into them and try to discover their meanings... I wonder, though, about the procrastination you describe. I'm dealing with that, too, and I think it's related in some way to depression...

  32. OMgoodness girl. That was a scarey and crazy dream! I don't think I would have tried to find the meaning, but that's just me. Maybe just knowing that you haven't really dealt with your mother's death, is the first step forward.

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  34. Sorry..hit post before finishing. Hope you have gotten some rest Nancy!

  35. Well! What a dream, I think you did a wonderful job analyzing it and applying it to your current life situation. I'm so sorry to hear that you have lost your mom. Such a tragic loss is bound to stir up all kinds of emotions while you are awake as well as asleep for a long time. I find that what I ignore during the day will somehow make itself present in my dreams. Thankfully the wonderful responses here and the fact that you have written out your thoughts here is definitely a step in the right direction to regain control of your life. Much love, Deb

    BTW, if you figure out how to cast Johnny Depp in your dreams, please let me know so I can too!

  36. I was probably standing next to you with my head in the sand in that past life. :o)Nonetheless, more and more lately I'm forcing myself not to do that, and I've learned that, once I make myself take the first step (be it tiny), everything goes really well and I feel so, so much better about myself.

    But of course, if you want to take that first step, you've got to get some good sleep first. ;o) Everything is better in the morning, as you well know, I'm sure.

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  38. Wow! What an analysis! I can understand, though. When you get used to going 100 MPH all the time, trying to get everything done, you don't realize how much it runs you down. And the procrastination thing... yeah... that's totally me. I have a mental to-do list a mile long. But it can wait until tomorrow, I suppose.


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