Wednesday, September 2, 2009

hurts so good...

That's all I can say.

"Why" you ask?

I just got home from a massage.

Now before you pass judgement and say "Oh, the poor girl, she had a massage...bitatch". This wasn't one of those easy-peasy massages you get while vacationing at Cabo. Where the gentle breeze is blowing the airy curtains of your cabana with the sound of the ocean as a backdrop for your rubdown. Not the frou-frou umbrella coconut drink waiting for you when it's finished kind of massage.

No. This was one of those therapeutic, deep tissue muscle massages where you want to ask her to "STOP, for the love of God" kind of massage. Where for a moment you think about asking for your handbag so you can bite down on in order to keep you from screaming aloud kind of massage.

I've been experiencing some lower back pain. It came all of a sudden. Sharp bursts of pain for no apparent reason. I didn't do anything differently than the normal routine. No extra exercise (bad me), no extra lifting of items, no change of mattresses or pillows...all normal everyday routine. And then BAM! Sharp back pain. Very sharp back pain.

Debilitating pain.

Pain severe enough that I didn't want to do anything. It was hard to move. It hurt to move. I was afraid it might get aggravated and cause me more discomfort, if that was at all possible.

So, I called Lakewood Masotherapy. I've been there before...many times. Sometimes I went for relaxation. Other times I went for specific problems. But I'd never in all the times going have had Julie as my technician.

Julie is awesome. All of 100 pounds of fit, trim and very nice 60 year old Julie. Upon meeting her I thought, "This isn't going to be a very good, strong massage."

I was SOOOO wrong.

That little woman got into areas of my muscular structure that I didn't know you could get to without surgery. Amazingly, it turns out it wasn't my back at all that was causing the problem. It was my glutes up through my hips that was the culprit in causing the severity of my discomfort. Apparently that creates the band of pain across your lower back. Who knew?

The massage Julie gave was so intense. are so relaxed at the end of your treatment that they have to wake you when it's all over. At some point you just slip off to la-la land to where the whales you've been listening to are mating. The technician whispers to you, "Take your time..." which translates into "Your time is up. Get your ass off my table so I can get another client in here stat." spend the next few minutes trying to scrape the dried drool off your cheek.

There wasn't anything normal about today's treatment. Today the after affects were not quite normal, for me. There were a few common threads of body after shock, although this time there was no drool. There was no total relaxation. No thought of "why does this have to end". There was the relief of it being over.
You find that you can now unclench your hands which have instinctively turned into claws; fingers splayed out gripping onto the terry in an attempt to hold onto...something. The knowledge that perhaps you didn't scream out loud after all. The satisfaction that you made it.
But after any massage when you come out of the room, trying to speak coherently is impossible. At least for me. All those nasty toxins released into your system bouncing around and creating havoc with the semblance of sanity that you are desperately trying to retain. The deep muscle massage makes you sound and act like you've just downed two large glasses of wine in a 2 minute period.

"Have you been drinking ma'am" the officer will ask.
"Why no, I just had a massage."

Uh. Yeah.

It'd be just like that 'Driving Under the Influence' commercial they've been airing on television. You know the one, where the guy opens his window for the police and beer or red wine comes spilling out everywhere. For me, there would be masseurs with their handy-dandy massage oil bottles clipped on their hips exiting the car...

"Drink lots of water today!" Bright and cheery Miss Julie said, "You might be sore later."

No Shit, Sherlock.

I presently feel good. But the 'it hurts so bad' kind of good. Like I just worked out for the first time in twelve years kind of good. Like the somebody please kill me kind of good.

I'm so damn sore right now that to sit upright in a posture perfect position whilst typing this, I may just die...sore. My shoulders ache. My neck cracks when I move my head from side to side. My hips are killing me. I can visualize little thumb print bruises lining both sides of my spine starting to show.

But the upside is there is no more back pain. Miss Julie took care of that.

I would like to have those glasses of wine now. Maybe they would help take the edge off the "you might be a little sore" pain.
And because it hurts so good...?
I made another appointment for next Wednesday.

God help me.


  1. Ooooh, Nancy, I've had a coupla these massages, maybe even a dozen. They were called Rolfing and boy did they hurt but they did the trick. This was so reminiscent!!! Ever had a Rolfing session? Little Miss Julie sounds awesome! Wish she were here, I'd go, even with the pain.

  2. OMG, Nancy...this was so funny to read because you described your experience so well!

    Being a reflexologist, I always inform a client they may experience a bit more discomfort initially, but within a few days it will diminish.

    Julie sounds VERY experienced and knowledgeable, so I'm sure within the next few days you'll feel FABULOUS.

    But hey...a glass of wine sounds HEAVENLY! I'll be drinking one a little later, myself!


  3. Oh sweetie I feel your pain. Literally. I have three herniated disks in my low back, and I live with chronic pain from the arthritis they have caused. I know how good those massages feel though. Hurt like hell but nothing some ibuprofen and a glass of wine can't kill.

    Note to self: Book an S& session tomorrow.

  4. I've never had a massage at all. I've always been afraid it'd end with the masseuse calling the police over a miscommunication at the end.
    Great post.

  5. This time I'm not going to say "I feel your pain" as I don't really think I want to ;) It's almost like having a headache and then getting punched in the arm to forget about the other pain. Hope the muscles feel better soon :)

  6. Thank goodness Julie was in a good mood. Can you imagine what her massage would feel like if she was having a bad day.

    Hope you have all of the kinks worked out now.

  7. I plan to have all of my massages vicariously. It seems safer.

    Neck cracking? Yeurch.

  8. I had the same problem with my glutes/lower back!!! No fun! I actually did acupuncture to address it, which rocked. Massage...never had one. You've totally convinced me to, though!

  9. Wow, I'm not sure whether I should be frightened or envious. Sorry about your back pain; that sucks.
    Hope this does the trick. It will have to to get you to go back!

  10. @DJan - I've never heard of Rolfing, but I did feel like Raplhing after my session! :-)
    I'll ask her about it next week. It WAS fabulous, and although sore...the back pain is gone. But my muscles really got worked out good!

    @Ron - Our virtual toasting of wine last night DID help! I didn't know that was your occupation. I'll check in with YOU first!

    @Julie - S&M massage...HA! :-)

    @Carlos - You crack me up. Every. Single. Time.

    @Ladytruth - As my brother used to tell me, That'll feel better after it stops hurting. :-)

    @Rae - They seem to be! But I admit, even toweling off after my shower this morning I had to be gentle with a few spots. Oiy-veh!

    @Matthew - I'll keep you posted with details so you can get the entire experience...vicariously!

    @EyesWideOpen - I've been doing the accupunture thing for another issue. I'll have to ask him about that next time I'm there! Funny, it didn't cross my mind...!

    @Peach Tart - I'd love too...maybe over the holiday weekend. We're heading to the Smokey Mountains and they have a hot tub there. Guess who's going in first!!!

    @Maureen - It really WAS awesome. Even with my bitching, I'm hooked. :-)

    Thanks for all your fabulous comments!

  11. You need epsom salts for your tub. And a cocktail. STAT. Hope you are feeling better!

  12. Vicodin with a wine chaser. After 3 back surgeries and finally a spinal fusion, I believe that I am an expert in the back pain area. Yep, Vicodin and wine.

  13. Lakewood Masotherapy sounds strangely similar to Lakewood Masochism

    definition 2 of masochism

    gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one's own actions or the actions of others, esp. the tendency to seek this form of gratification.


  14. @JennyMac - Epsom salts, check. Cocktail, double check. I'll let you know which one works best!

    @KC - Ha! I will forever more contact you as the resident expert when self medicating!

    @ Mr. Glob - You know, that same thought went through my mind at one point. I thought, "And I'm PAYING for this." It reminded me of one Anthony Bourdain episode at the bath house...



  15. LOVE the visual of Julie's little thumbprints appearing as bruises on your back....priceless! Isn't it always da way? You wind up trading one pain....for another.

  16. In our town the local massage haunt is called, Watercourse Way. Just IMAGINE the nicknames it has...

  17. So you're saying that basically Julie beat the s*** out of you. :)

  18. I love getting massages (usually the typical mamsy-pamsy Swedish one), but I've always been curious about the Deep Tissue. I got the concept that it was going to be a "little" rougher, but Wow! After hearing your experience it sounds like they don't kid around.

    I'm glad that your back is feeling better.

  19. Those are the worst massages. My friend loves them and I love the 'puppies & kitties' version.

    I'm hoping you're feeling better by now.

  20. I left something for you on my page!

  21. Wine ALWAYS makes things better but especially in combination with a serious massage!

  22. Oh yes...after I get just a massage, not the deep tissue kind...I can't speak, walk, or even think, and the next day as all of the toxins swim through my body, I break out in some ugly cold sores on my lips. I'm told I should get a massage more often and the cold sores won't happen. After the massage I go home and fall into the deepest most peaceful sleep that lasts for hours....that is the heaven that is worth it for me!

  23. So it hurts everywhere else but your back now? Sounds great.

  24. I love to have those massages. I actually worked for a girl that does that. She had magic fingers.

    Remember drink pleanty of water. =o)

  25. It sounds awful.....and yet....I want one.

  26. Those are my favorite kinds of massages, those deep ones!

    Sorry to hear that you've been in pain, though!


  27. Hey Nancy! You just got an award from the UK. You may well have one of these already, but it'll be a well deserved repeat if you do. I just posted about it on my blog: Thanks for your blog, Indigo.

  28. I see you've gotten quite a bit of advice from your readers on how to make the pain go away. I'm still a fan of your original wine idea. ;)


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