Monday, February 2, 2009

passwords and such....

So I have to ask you...with the ease of cheating; emotionally or otherwise on the it ethical to check you spouse's or significant others cell phone or e-mail account?

This is a BIG question nowadays. There's a trust issue. But if that trust has been breached, does it allow the spouse to check periodically to make sure their significant other is being true? Or is it a probe into their 'personal space'.

I believe in full disclosure. I'm an open book. You want to read my e-mails, texting history or Facebook friends comments?....go for it. It's not all that interesting. You want my passcode for my e-mail or bank card? No more person I can ask if I have a brain fart and can't remember.

But if someone is repeatedly changing codes? It seems to me that it's because they are hiding something.

Maybe that something isn't all that big...but to hide it, change it? that action alone MAKES it into something big, something hidden, something secretive.

I read something not too long ago that struck a chord. It is as follows:
"At the end if the day, we all just want to be with someone who loves us - someone who makes us happy, makes us feel needed, gives us the attention we deserve and someone who we can trust without having to think twice."

I love that. I wish that were my life. Recently, as you may know...I happened upon a series of text messages that sent some big change into my bubble of a world that I live in. On one hand; I would've preferred to continue on my gleeful path of ignorance on the subject. On the other; I'm glad that I have that information and can make educated, logical decisions once knowing the truth.

I was the proverbial lamb with the wool pulled over my eyes...three times in the past. Yes, three! I am too trusting, too giving, too gullible. I vowed after each of these incidents that I would never allow myself to be duped into that place again. Along comes bachelor #2 and Wham!; here we go again. Let's not even mention #3, #4 or #5. Fact is, if I'm completely truthful with myself...5 of the 7 serious relationships that I've ever been involved in have ended with them being unfaithful. I hope I have enough in my savings account for the amount of therapy that it might take to resolve.

Now this has given me much food for thought over the it me? Is there some intricate flaw that I possess? Is there some invisible script written on my forehead, "Take advantage of me!" With the added bonus of a tattoo on my ass that reads, "Don't worry, she'll never know. She won't find out. You can do whatever the f**k you want. Don't worry about her, who cares about her and her feelings." Seriously. How in the world do I keep getting involved with these guys that feel that I would think it's 'okay' for them to wander outside of monogamy.

I hate to become a's really not my nature. Nor is cynicism or negativism. But this has got to stop. I can't keep going through the same things over and over and over. Each time I hear the "It's not you." But it has to be. How could this possibly NOT be MY problem. Too coincidental for it to keep being repeated. I had a friend who was such a complete bitch to all those she dated that they were clamoring at our door to get her attention. I never could quite figure that whole scenario out...

"Don't call me again", she'd say.
"But don't you need my car? I have an extra one you can drive."
"I don't want your extra car. Leave me alone."
"Okay. You don't have to drive the extra can drive my Saab."

and then the doorbell would ring with a floral delivery guy holding keys and two dozen roses. Unbelievable.

I really thought this last one was it. I mean he KNEW everything. He KNEW my past and my how sensitive I was having been through that mill several times. I never thought he would do that. I really believed that he would have spared me that anguish. But, I was wrong. I'm not often this is something to write down in the books.

But would YOU do it? Would you look if you had a suspicion? Would you want to know?

Do YOU have a good therapist?


  1. OMG...sounds like my ex marriage and my other friends. My ex gave me reasons to check his pager(yes, this was many years ago, pagers, no cell He cheated on me, many times.
    And my friends would be total bitches to guys and the guys would kiss the ground they walked on. Not me, I was tooooo nice.
    Well my husband now. We are the perfect couple. I can honestly say, we never fight. And we met on the internet 8yrs ago.
    I like your blog, perfect post
    Glad I visited.

  2. i say if you have suspicion then you have a right to check up on him. i know way too many people that got duped like you did (and worse) and i also know people that got suspicious and did some checking on the texts,calls,emails and such and discovered all the crap that was happening right under their noses. in one case, the snooping helped in a divorce settlement.
    sorry about what happened to you. and i hope the next person is true to you.

  3. I am like you, my life is an open book. You can read my texts, my emails, have my passwords etc. If my hubby (and yes my kids) gave me reason to be suspicious then yes I would follow up on that. I believe women great instincts concerning those they love and that they should listen to that inner voice even though it hurts at times. Better to know the truth.
    I also met my husband on the internet, 9 years ago this month and truly believe he is my soul mate HOWEVER, I'm not naive and if he were to suddenly change his password to his email I would be finding out why. I've been that route before and I hope that I've FINALLY gotten the sign washed off (you know the one that says, pick me I attract losers?!) I wore it for to many years and couldn't find the darn thing! If someone happens to see it on my shining forehead again I hope they will point it out to me.


Do it. Do it NOW!