Monday, December 7, 2009

in pursuit of diamonds(?)...

My daughter spent the night at her dad's Friday night.

Sounds all 'modern family', doesn't it?

He and I have mellowed over the years into a very amicable relationship. We do annual family ski vacations and engage in group hugs. He and I are bonded by our love of our daughter. And that's okay. (as long as he no longer tells me I look tired...)

I'm glad that even when we first split, we put bears interests above our own egos. Sure, there have been moments when we've hated each other, but have always worked things out...because of boo. And it shows. She's a better kid because of it. She wasn't damaged like some children can be from splits. I know some parents that can't even attend teacher conferences at the same time. That is just so, so sad.

It seems nowadays the majority of kids are either from divorced parents, remarried parents, single parents or divorced remarried parents. Very few actually have the Christmas card nuclear family with both parents, 2 kids and a dog any more. The 1950's ideal of family has gone way by the side of the road.

I think I'd rather be on that road. The classic family road. I long for the simplistic nature that traditional roles in family provide.

Seriously, this doing everything; being everything gets really, really old.

And to maybe get back on that road I recently signed up on eHarmony.
I know, I know.

It's probably a futile effort and a waste of money, but I thought I'd give it a try. As much as I cringe every time I go to sign on and see the smiling mugs of LJ and Shannon; Married: August 5, 2006!, I do hear good things about it from some people.
I've closed several matches just because I didn't like their photo. That might be a little superficial, but hey, it's realistic at least. Perhaps they were my 'soul mate' (whatever that is) and I didn't give it a shot. I suppose mustaches could be shaved off. But seriously, if someone posts a photo of themselves with a mustache, mullet and muscle shirt? Yeah, I'm not starting any communication with that one. That's a little too much boyfriend makeover. It might work on TV, but not in real life. Perhaps they thought it a good photo because it showed off their 'guns'. It might be okay for some women, but it's not my style. If I want a gun, I'll go to a gun shop.

There were a few guys that I have to commend that they were so blatantly honest. A guy in Toledo listed that he was 'basically a mail carrier'. And 'basically, he liked his job because he had health insurance, job security and enough money to go to the bar on Friday night'. Really, those were his exact words.

He was sort of cute. But I've enough of cute, dumb boys. Oh, did I mention that he was 43? High standards? I don't think so. But I bet his double wide mobile home is beautiful...(bad Nancy. Shame, shame.)

There are alot of short men as well. I'm sure that it's okay if you are Tom Cruise, you can afford to buy lifts for your shoes when you date someone taller. But these guys are Tom. Not that I'm Katie Holmes, but that isn't going to work for me either.

As I peruse these people that have been 'matched' with me, I've become rather critical.

I thought about that the other night. It's so unlike me.

I'm really a very accepting person.
Almost to a fault.
But lately it seems that I've crossed some invisible barrier. One where I'm now more demanding, more attune to what it is that I want. Which somehow makes me less accepting of behaviour that I used to put up with.

Even with my friend whom I used to be romantically involved with, I've noticed a change in my attitude. The other day he was being a moody dick. Normally I'd try to find out what the problem is and resolve it. Yesterday I just told him, "You're being a dick. Snap out of it."

"Me? You're the one on edge!" he replied.

"Uh. No. You're a dick. Call me when you have it sorted out. I don't want to be around you when you're a dick."

"Sorry, I've got a lot of things on my mind.", he said.

Which is fine. We've all been there. But it's not MY problem. I used to make it my problem. I used to absorb the issue and resolve it, shoulder the burden. But I don't need to any longer. There ain't no ring on my finger that makes it my problem.

Go away.
Take care of whatever is bugging you and then, come back to talk to me.
Until then, I've got my own stuff to worry about...

I thought about it.
My response to him; my response to those on eHarmony and decided that somewhere along the way...I've evolved.

I've changed.

I'm finally getting the mindset that it's alright for me to have a say. To know what I want. To feel like I deserve to be treated with respect.

Over at DigitalMCS, Mike recently got engaged. He had a post where he wrote about how his "fiance's eyes sparkled when she smiled." How sweet is that? Pukey, sickly sweet. But I love it and I'm happy for them. It's refreshing. And it's real...

Christmas is the season where you can't turn on a television, open a magazine or read a newspaper without being bombarded with jewelry advertisements. I've seen the Kay Jewelers commercial now about 6 dozen times and each time it makes me want to tear up.

"I love you."

That's all that's said. From the younger guy to his girlfriend; the older couple sitting at their kitchenette table; the middle aged couple having tea by the fireplace...a diamond, in any form, will seemingly convey this message. And yeah. I agree.

But being today what it is, I will continue to peruse the lame list of guys available on eHarmony. I don't have high hopes for the matching site, but I'll try to stay optimistic about it. Because that's what I am, an optimist.

However I admit, I am a hypocrite.

When I 'close' the match, I'm not honest.
I should click on the option that best let them know why I'm not pursuing the communication. Should I be honest and let them know that their profile is creepy, or their picture just isn't showing their best side. Instead I prefer to save them face. I click on the 'other reason' button. Which won't hurt their feelings that they are a schmutz, but might leave them wondering, "Why?".

I have to say that I've gotten a couple of messages from others that closed the match on me. The message was, "I don't feel that the chemistry is there."

To me, that sounds like, "You look tired."
Oh. Look at this one!
Hmmm. This guy in Westlake is nice looking and sails. Cool.
But what's with the soul patch on his chin?
That's gotta go.

Didn't I just see an ad for a sale on Norelco...



  1. Thanks for the laugh today. I don't think there's anything wrong with having high standards or being picky. That said, I think my husband's mustache is tolerable. After all, he can cook!

  2. When you're choosing someone to spend time with,you have a right to be picky. As long as you think your standards are reasonable, don't cave. And good luck. Got a kick out of this post!

  3. Good luck on eHarmony! I know several people who have had really good luck and some great relationships because of it! It's a sign of the times, that's all. Don't feel silly!

  4. Nancy, you crack me up.
    I wouldn't call it high standards as much as "you know who you are and what you want and are too old (sorry) to go through the ritual of dating someone you know is not a fit to begin with". You don't go into Bloomingdales and try on every dress do you? No, you try the ones that catch your attention first, then you weed out from there. If none of them work, maybe you go back and give the others a second look or maybe you head over to Lord & Taylor. Either way, you have the right to choose without explanation. The other thing is, you don't need a guy in your life, you're choosing to have a guy in your life... choosing being the important word there.
    I applaud you for trying a different tack (sailing term) with regards to the dating scene. Nothing ventured nothing gained.
    The renovations are looking good.
    Happy Holidays! - Bonnie

  5. you definitely should not settle for less and you absolutely deserve the best :)

    maybe you can call eHarmony and tell them they suck at this matching BS and you want your money back.

    p.s. i hate facial with a passion

  6. At least I'm not the only one whose a bit picky about who I get involved with. XD Sometimes my friends will tell me to lower my standards some but I'm like no cause then I know I won't be happy and what good is a relationship if neither side is happy? Besides..the best things are worth waiting for.

  7. I think it's great you're looking and w/out the rose-colored glasses.
    I met my husband on craigslist (which I previously and still occasionally call "the gutter slut of online dating."). I assessed the men I had dated in the past, found the common features that worked for me and posted that I was looking for a man that fit that description (tall, actively involved in some sport and drinks dark beer). It's worked for me.

    I did make some exceptions (he's blond and it's grown on me) so maybe that soul patch will disappear.

    Good luck! I'll be waiting to see how it goes!

  8. Go Nancy GO!! Stay picky, it's better that way. If you settle you always realize it later and then break their hearts. I don't know if you saw my comment on your last post but...someone ACTUALLY gave me a blog award and I chose to pass it on to you as one of my fave five:)

  9. online dating is definitely an unusual experience. I met my partner online 18 months ago and I feel so lucky. She's the love of my life. But that said, I approached online dating with NO expectations whatsoever. Just wanted to expand my circle of friends and build a broader range of social options. My only litmus test was whether the person seemed relatively sane, could communicate in an interesting and thoughtful way, and whether I found them somewhat attractive. Of course it's ok to be selective because it is your time! Wishing you the best!

  10. I'm the girl in the picture, with the husband, dog and 2 children.
    Sometimes this road turns from pavement to gravel.
    I applaud you for your sense of self, Nancy. Good for you.

  11. Great Post! We will look forward to updates I'm sure. My daughter has tried eHarmony, (unfortunately - no luck) but there are lots who have had success. I hope your story is a success - you deserve it! Have a great day!

  12. Hey Nancy, the traditional ratio of men:women on dating sites is 10:1. So the good news is, you can afford to be choosy. They'll get over it. Though frankly I don't know how you resisted my profile. Ah well, I guess I'll get over it too... *sigh* Indigo

  13. Good for you for giving eHarmony a try. Maybe one day I'll have the nerve. Right now I am very content with the status quo: lots of friends but no signicant other. Having not made the wisest choices in the past, I am chicken to rock the boat. So yayz to you for taking the first step.

  14. I am right there with you.....who's to say what HIGH STANDARDS are? YOu know who you are and what you want and that is all that matters. I signed up for a match making service last year....I'm totally regretting it.....the only guys I've heard from are 20 years older than me and grossly obese.....I got rooked....hope you have better luck and seriously, keep your standards right where they are!


  15. Hey my friend met her husband on eHarmony. We all think he's gay (even my gay friends think he's gay!), but she loves him and he her so I guess they'll work it out. I think it's totally worth it to be picky...maybe not in the interim, but certainly in the long run.

  16. Nancy, I tried eHarmony and HATED it! Everyone they matched me with had one of my "deal breakers". Great, we may have matched via their compatability test, but when I said I didn't want to date a partier, I meant I didn't want to date a partier. Or smoker. Or religious fruitcake. HOWEVER, I did meet my husband on We emailed back and forth daily for about six weeks before we met face to face. I can say that I met my soul mate on-line, but I did A LOT of sorting through the chaff. I had my "deal breakers" list and stuck to it. It took a year or so before I met Jay, so be patient (which is hard to do when it seems like all you get are the mullet boys whose idea of romance is tearing down an engine together).

    PS - I was a raging b*tch between mid-November and mid-Feburary before I met Jay. I hate how all of the commercials, no matter where you turn, are about the perfect family and "I love you" and all that BS. Grrr...still pisses me off and I'm married now.

  17. I met Science Guy on an internet dating sight. It worked for us and for me it was a massive lesson in not trying to take on a project, a fixer-upper, or needing to please everybody.
    I think it worked for me because I was completely honest in my profile (there is no point saying I love camping, sports or running cos then you'll want us to spend our time doing the things I hate most in the world).
    And I dated. A lot. I kept an open mind (except for blokes who lied about their height. I mean for god's sake it's the first thing I am going to notice). Also, I never drank on the first date (learning lessons there).
    My mantra was: be the flame, not the moth.
    It was good fun!

  18. Oh sister, I feel your pain. My latest match has heart failure. Heart failure. Two open heart surgeries, and waiting for a heart transplant (and he wasn't talking in the figurative sense...) He says that he hopes I'm the type of person who can 'look past all that' because there's nothing he can do about it.

    I'm TRYING to keep an open mind. But do I really want to welcome a man into my life (and my son's life) who might die in the next 24 hours? How do you 'look past' that?

    Oh ya, eharmony...try putting that in a commercial...

  19. Nancy,

    Applause for putting yourself out there, I have heard success stories. I didn't have one. I too felt like I had the right now that I am at "middle age" to say what I wand and need. You know those profiles you fill out to say what is important to you, for me eHarmony kept sending me matches that had nothing whatsoever in common with the things I said I wanted and needed. I went on a couple first dataes and never heard from them again. I didn't hear from hardly anyone, and afer spending a long time worrying if it was me and if I should change my profile, I decided maybe I'm okay alone rather than settling. Best of luck in your search, stay honest to yourself and what you want and need, and keep that sense of humor, I found it to be really helpful.

  20. 'Settling' is a bad word, just like 'should'. If we all upped our standards a bit, I believe the world would be a better place.

  21. Hey, good for you. You deserve to get what you want. So go get it! Who cares if you have to date online? If it gets you to where you want to go, wouldn't it be worth it? I say good for you! You're doing what you want and there's nothing wrong with that.

  22. Phew, great post. I've been happily hitched for (mumble) years and am increasingly grateful for it.

    Good hunting!

  23. My eHarmoney is about to end and none too soon. They are all short! What's up with that? I must have rejected a few too many because now they are sending me matches from Nebraska and North Dakota, as if that's close enough and hey we are all used to the snow and we talk kinda funny....

    I've closed several matches and wanted to say they were creepy but I can't do it. I choose "other" as well, or I do nothing, which is cowardly in my book but too bad. Keep looking, there is one out there.

  24. I found to be a bit better than e-harmony.

    Lady, I just met my boyfriend on and it wasn't love at first sight but I loved talking to him and slowly but surely the spark ignited and now I'm in love. I went through rejecting over 1000 men on eharmony before finding him.

    Think of dating as a to-do list...a good guy is out there and rejecting based on pictures is not superficial, a girl knows what she likes and p.s. my man is 6'4", LOL!

    you'll find him...
    much love

  25. I signed up with back when it first started - gosh.. 1996?-7? I met some interesting people but I've never met a soul mate or even someone I wanted to meet "again".

    I wish you the best of luck though. Being alone sucks some of the time.

  26. Oh, Nancy, I hear you! I've been single for 12 years and had few relationships. I keep hearing I'm too picky, but I'd rather be the crazy cat lady down the road than settle again. I need some chemistry and I'll hold out for that.
    Hey, we do family vacations with my ex too. I'm trying to come up with a post about it.
    This was an amazing post. You're brave to try Eharmony. Of course, if I didn't live on this island, I might try it too...

  27. Nancy you gave me a laugh. Although it was a wry laugh and came out just a little twisted - the ouch behind it is just too true.
    I count my self 'blessed' to be in a stable relationship of 20 years and to share three kids; not to gloss over the hard work and all the times when it was sooooo tempting to walk away.
    I am with you on the whole 'evolved' thing. my views, tastes and ideas have developed much since my early 20's and i now view the world very differently. so much so that hubby wouldn't get past square one today based on who the new me is - he is very glad that i prefer to keep him and keep working at it to starting over. and you know even that is ok. It really is big thought material. being together is hard and mostly ok-good. I think it still has more going for it than the alternative.
    one aspect that bothers me some is the example that it has set my kids. they are looking at guys and making choices somewhat similar to the ones i made (despite what i said but we know that actions speak loudest). i love hubby very much and he agrees with me that he was definately a 'fixer-upper' who, incidentally has come out ok. but i don't want that for my teen daughters. i want a whole guy who is stable and well-adjusted for my girls. yes i am definately a hypocrite and i am now proud of it.
    so, be picky, be very, very picky.

  28. Good for you! I met my last boyfriend on eHarmony. After 7 months and a psuedo marriage proposal (no diamond, just words), he broke up with me over email-- office email. We lived 5 miles apart. Anyway, I digress... (no, not bitter- just regretful that I dated "mr lack of social skills" that long).You can meet great peeps online. You should not be apologetic about your choosiness. You are obviously a fantastic catch and shouldn't settle for a "fixer-upper". And... Online dating makes for great blogging. Hmmmm... I wish I knew someone to set you up with... Sincerely, Cupid.

  29. Great post, best of luck in your search (although why you're writing off the mail carrier from Toledo is just a *mystery*...he seems like such a, that one had me laughing!!)

  30. I love you. And if I ever have a pot to piss in, I'll buy you a diamond ring. Or at least pay you back the money I borrowed so you can buy one yourself!

    eHarmony. You go, girl!

  31. I so love this post. I met my husband on the Internet. Really. I liked what you had to say about being picky. I don't know about you, but I spent a long time telling myself that something I didn't like or that should have been a red flag was something that I could handle, or that I could overlook somehow. I'd slough it off or deal with it rather than stop and say, "No. I don't like this. It's a problem, and I DON'T have to take it on or make it less than the problem that it is" Being picky, especially when a person has been married before and knows the pitfalls that can come out of such a close relationship, is a good thing. Good luck with it--but most of all, have fun and enjoy the experience and the people you'll meet, even if nothing materializes.

  32. This cracked me up, I love it! Good luck on eHarmony. Too bad some people don't come with a "close" me out button attached to their foreheads. Think of the millions we could make.

  33. You should be picky.... you deserve to be picky.. you have a daughter to think about also. I think sometime we ..women think it's bitchy to be picky but it is NOT

  34. Sweetie, you hold out for that PRINCE. With NO facial hair that hurts and scratches and makes 'em look older, anyway. I never understood that, anyway...

    But yes...shouldering the burden ourselves is hard...and it's difficult not to wish for someone to answer when we say, "What do I do now?"

    I'm resigned to being an "I" instead of a "we". I don't think I can stomach the work...the looking...the sparing of the're a bigger person than I.

    Oh, and those Kay ads? Just make me roll my eyes.

    See? It's already too late for ME.

  35. One of the very best side effects of getting older is knowing what you want, or at least what you don't want. Stick with it! You don't need a reason; your gut and hormones are reason enough. But you also don't have to hurt anyone's feelings, so I'm with you that you don't necessarily have to say, because you look like a hairy dork. 'For other reasons' is so much kinder.

  36. I met my wife online through a dating site. This site allowed to do searches based on a whole range of parameters from religion and physical parameters (including length of hair) to education and hobbies.

    Some might say it's shallow to sit there and select away a whole bunch of people based on a few parameters. I think this is mainly thought because you have to make a conscious decision in clicking that button. When meeting people in real life the same process happens, but it's not done consciously...

    Maybe I'm biased, but I think online services beats the 'old fashioned' dating scene hands down. It takes more effort as have to dig through a whole bunch of unserious profiles to even get close to something interesting, but what remains is a load of people that are just looking for a companion.

    But as I said, maybe I'm biased, I had a very happy ending to my online dating experience :)

  37. Your new found liberation has to feel good, doesn't it?

    So, are you saying that my mullet, soul patch, sleeveless Tshirt that says show my your boobs, Zippo lighter with my name engraved on it even though I don't smoke, cross earrings, Polo cologne, and blue blocker shades as a collective ensemble isn't doing it for you? Back to the drawing board with my broken heart.

    Good for you Nancy.

  38. You know what...don't ever feel guilty about having a "list". The second time around is a gift we get only once. To make it right. To find in the second person all the things we found wrong with the first. My list had a few things, first of all, like you, my guy had to be tall. I was done with 5'7". Now I have 6'4". I had a guy with no career goals and dropped out of high school. Now I have a guy who is very career oriented and has a Master's.

    So hang in there and never settle. You deserve the best!!

  39. Don't ever worry about being picky. If Jules and I weren't picky, we wouldn't have one another.

    Also, is way better. Take my word on that one. ;)

  40. If I were a guy, I'd be figuring out how to meet up with you. You're terrific!

  41. Just give it an honest shot.

    My brother did that and meet the sweetest girl. They have been together for two years now and are planning to get married this coming year.

  42. Like others here I think online dating is a great place to meet new people and keep your "dating muscles" in shape.

  43. Well written.

    I have never used a dating website, having met my husband in a bar. :-) But why not? People meet everywhere -- it's in our nature. But it's also in our nature to become more critical/discerning as we become more experienced, and that is as it should be.


  44. He's out there somewhere, Nancy... and I'm quite sure he doesn't have a mullet. Keep searching and by all means stick to your standards! A fantastic girl like you deserves the perfect man. :o)

  45. Nancy ~ ummm...what's wrong with a soul patch? it's good to know your man HAS a soul..and a patch (just like in cub scouts) to prove it. This isn't THE WORST attribute to a man! ;)

    it's the soul-less ones you need to worry about!

    good luck with your dating site surfing...I know some people it worked out for amazingly...and I know others who thought it was a big load of hooey!...depends on your expectations I suppose. Don't expect much and you won't be disappointed.

    As for your's a good thing to feel like you've hit the place where you can be totally honest with the people closest to you, and secure enough at the same time not to worry about if they stay or leave because of that truth. it's a very freeing feeling to have that kind of confidence or if not confidence, then lack of over-concern for things that do NOT pertain to you. But don't loose your empathy....that's how people get jaded. "Not my problem"...and easily go to "I don't give a shit.." and "are you talking to me?!" until NOBODY is talking to you! lol

    so just be's a slippery slope to slide down.

    yours faithfully,

  46. Why is it that eharmony can't come up with a more recent marriage than 2006? Hey, maybe it will be yours!

  47. Hey, who does one have to sleep with to become a "Follower of Note"? (Say Sandra Bullock. PLEASE say Sandra Bullock.)

  48. I don't think it's superficial to close the match on someone because he posts a weird photo. I mean, the photo is the meat of the online profile, and if the best thing he can come up with is a fuzzy photo of him sporting a molester-stache, that says a lot about the guy.

    That's my opinion, anyway. :-)

  49. I'm engaged to be married on January 1, 2010... all because of eHarmony. Patience, lots of patience... good luck to you!

  50. I would love to know who these mysterious people are who have success on eHarmony. I tried it once, and most of my "matches" scared the shit out of me.

  51. Thanks everyone for the support! You make me feel all warm and fuzzy with your comments!

    @Indigo - I think the distance would pose a factor. Trust me, if you were on THIS side of the pond....

    @HeatherLynn - this wasn't just a sould patch, it was more like a full fledged landing strip!

    @Knucklehead - Ha! Yes! It's Sandra Bullock! aka: Theresa. :-)

    Update on eHarmony - another 20 closed. I feel so empowered!


  52. u got any tips on how to make a divorce work with a kid? me and my husband just split up and filing the actual divorce is the next step. we have a 19 month old- and i need for things to be civil amongst us before she actually understands.. im up for being not neccessarily friends, but FRIENDLY. hes not. and hes the one that has done the most wrong, so i reeeally dont understand..

  53. I call it 'settlin'. I'm not settlin' anymore. I've had all the crap I want to have and it ain't happenin anymore! I was having a chat with the Good Lord on the way to work one day and stated: "I've had it. I want the good this time. If it can't be good, then I don't want it. I'm set in my ways I know. BUT I WANT THE GOOD PARTS. AND he has to find ME. ON MY DOORSTEP." So I figure I'm gonna be single for the next 53 years! =0) I loved the part where you told him to go away! That was great! Cheers friend!

  54. There is nothing I can add that you haven't already said. I love this post. And as someone in the dating pool right along with ya, I agree with everything you said 100%!

  55. Doing everything yourself makes you strong! Waiting to Exhale, that's you momma and eHarmony... its like a buffet except its not food but men. don't like em, just leave em on the plate and get something else =)

  56. You are too funny. You've been divorced a while and like being in control. Don't settle. Be choosy. It's your life. You are funny. You are beautiful. You are NOT superficial. Good luck!


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