If you're on this post and you haven't read the previous one....do that first, then come back.
My heart is broken.
I'm sure it will mend, as all things do. But right now, it's shattered.
I'll be honest...I thought I wasn't going to cry. I thought I could hold onto the anger long enough for the pain to subside and then this would blow over, I wouldn't cry. I could stay strong, this wouldn't hurt me. I could be cavalier about my 'break-up'...."aw, that? I was just passing time".
But I can't.
I invested over 5 years of my life with this person. I thought we were a team. There was "the future" for us. But to help with packing up his things...it breaks my heart.
There were times in the past when there were moments that I had thought this day would come, his moving out....but in actuality I didn't think it would really happen. At least not like this. In the past I think I was just screaming inside to be heard over the din, to be recognized...to be loved. I didn't believe it would get to this point. That he would say, "you're right, I'm wrong. I love you. Things will be better, I promise".
I might have accepted that. I wanted to accept that. Now...it seems, I can't accept that.
That was then and this is now. The finality of hearing him on the phone, setting up utilities for his new place, my gathering up extra sheets and towels, packing his toiletries....this isn't an overnight trip. It's not a vacation. This is IT. The dreaded "it".
The "it" that tear jerk movies are made of, and cry your heart out books. Of wet computer keyboards for bloggers. IT has arrived.
And it is too late to send "it" on it's way. This is for real. No dress rehearsal. This is the jump on in and get it over with variety. Geez...it's been so long since I've been this miserable I'm not sure what to do! Hunker down and wait for time to heal the wounds? Go out and party to show everyone how 'fine' I am? Post an advertisement for "I'm Available" on the Internet?
I don't think I'm going to do any of those things. But I do have some old toothbrushes and three toilets in the house....that might keep my mind off "it" for awhile.
Soon, I'll have the cleanest toilets in the neighborhood....but,
my heart is still broken.