A guy I know is enrolled in the Master's program at Baldwin-Wallace College in Ohio. His professor gave an assignment to use the 5 Why's. Basically stated; If you pose a question, the root answer he problem can be found by asking "Why?" like a child, 5 times. Hard problems might take 6 or 7. Sometimes even more. Sometimes less. But always the answer will be revealed.
My friend asked me to look at the problem he was working on to see what I thought of it. It wasn't bad, but I wanted use my own question and see where it went. So I gave it a shot. I decided to use a family values social problem...
Problem: The Decline of the American Family.
Why? - Americans have become a disposable society.
Why? - People want to take the easy road. Rather than fix it, replace it.
Why? - Americans have become lazy and want everything handed to them.
Why? - People have deluded themselves into thinking they deserve it, rather than working for it.
Why? - Lacking discipline in all factors of society.
Why?- Loss of family values and moral decline.
Why? - Too many single parent home, broken homes or no homes.
Hmmm. Not bad. I like it. And he liked this one better than the one he wrote, so he used it for his homework assignment.
I find it very interesting to see how the question asked makes it's way around, and gives you food for thought in the process.
How would the 5 why's work on other questions? Maybe on a political level?
Problem: All politicians are double talking hand shakers.
Why? - Because they are mouthpieces elected into office and too afraid to go against popular views.
Why? - If they shake the tree too much they won't get any votes for the next election.
Why? - Because although the majority of the American people want change, they still are followers, not doers.
Why? - Politicians are people pleasers. And want to be popular in an opinion poll.
Why? - Politicians like the limelight, are mainly ego driven.
Okay. That makes sense (at least to me) as well. As you can tell, I'm not overly fond of any politicians.
How about using the 5 why's on a relationship level?
Problem: I've been dating a self-centered asshole for the last 5 1/2 years.
Why? - Because being involved with self centered selfish asshole seemed a better choice at the time than being alone.
Why? - Because having a companion, even if not perfect, made me feel as if I wasn't insignificant.
Why? - My prolonged association with such a selfish, unthoughtful man has lowered my own self worth.
Why? - Because I had deluded myself into thinking that if I did enough for him, he would love and respect me.
Why? - He has proven time and again with his actions that he obviously doesn't think about how I feel.
Why? - Because he doesn't feel by his actions that he has done anything wrong.
Why? - Because he feels justified that it is his right to ask a co-student at 2am "how her vagina is".
Why? - Because he's really an asshole that seemingly doesn't respect himself, let alone others.
Why? - Because good people don't do things that they know would hurt their partner, whom they claim to love.
Why? - Because that is what good people who love each other do...always be there for them. Respect them. Care for them. And love them unconditionally.
And why can't he? - Because he's a self centered asshole who obviously doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself.
Well now! That took a little longer than 5 why's to get to the root, but there it is! The root of the problem. Lets try this again and see, shall we?
Problem: Why can't said boyfriend seem to be faithful and not have inappropriate dialogue with the opposite sex while in a relationship?
Why? - Because he has a mental issues mixed with low self esteem so he takes it out on his treatment and view of women.
Why? - Because he is a piece of shit.
Why? - He has no soul.
Now that one got to the root right away! That only took 3 'Why's'! Fact is, you could really just jump to the root of that one in 2, but it's nice to see "He is a piece of shit" in writing. Fact is, I might write it one more time just to make sure I get it ingrained into my head. "He is a piece of shit." I need to remember this when and if I ever run into him...which I hope I don't. (Or get the urge to forgive him....again.)
I could take these WHY questions even further and expose more, but I won't. However just seeing all this here in print is definitely worth at least 6 months of therapy....
When I was in high school my family ran into a stretch where we were all having a hard time communicating. My Dad was a scientist well versed in element charts, but not so much in normal communication. My mom was a teacher, sugar sweet. My brother in college and me in high school. My grandfather went blind and was living with us....so there was a little stress building in within the family unit. So we went to a family therapist for a stint. I remember Dr. Nausbaum always asking, "And how did that make you feel....?" (while rubbing his chin for effect.) It has stayed with me, through the years. When things bother me, I ask myself Dr. Nausbaum's question.
Am I stunned? Yes.
Am I hurt? Sure thing.
Am I bitter? You bet. Because he knows better. We've been down this road before.
Am I angry? Oh yeah. But really more at myself. I should have known. I'm a much smarter person than this. And I'm better than this. I deserve more than this...
We broke up over the last episode of texting infidelities. (see past post here) Then we started seeing each other again. I know. I'm weak...and I loved him. So I forgave him. I honestly thought that he loved me back and wouldn't do anything to directly hurt me. And now 6 months later, I'm back to where I was in January. Same problem, different girl.
So boyfriend, ex-boyfriend...ex-friend. Good luck with all that. Hope everything works out for you. I would suggest you have someone else to call if you need anything. The entire friendship that we had is now gone. Friendship is built on trust. For me, there is no upside to having friends such as yourself. You threw it away. You didn't think of the ramifications. I hope that your needing to know how Donna's vagina was at 2:33 am was well worth your loss.
I no longer have your back. I'm not being mean, just realistic.
You had your chance. Fact is you had about 8 chances and you blew them all. Good riddance. I can't get my time invested back. I'm presently bitter because of that. But it'll be alright. I'll be alright. Fact is, I feel better already.
I should have realized what an ass he was years ago. That this relationship did nothing but bring me down. I think I did, but didn't believe it. I always saw the good in him. I tried to make him see it as well, to be a better person because of what I saw. But I no longer see the good now, only the bad, and the hurt...so I'm looking forward, not back. No going back. Not this time...
It took me awhile to finally put him behind me, but I honestly can say that now I have. It's changing time for Nancy.
I'm anxious to see what my future holds...
I'm going to need my sunglasses. Because the future sure does look bright. Tomorrow is a whole new day...