Sunday, June 7, 2009

damn bastard midges...

I live a mere block from beautiful Lake Erie.

It's wonderful. I used to have a sailboat, but now am content to have neighbors that own both sail and power boats. We are a bike ride from the beach. We are walking distance to watch the sunset on the horizon. If you stand out in front of my house and look north, you can see the blue of the water.

I'd like to have the lake in my backyard and then I'd be on lakefront property, but I'm content where I am. Our part of the lake is a cliff anyway, so there's not all that much benefit of actually owning lakefront in my book. It's not like I can go out and sit on the pier and dangle my feet in the water. It's just a nice view. Plus where I am I don't have to worry about losing the house to erosion.

One major drawback of living in such close proximity to the water is the damn midges.

Some people call them Canadian Soldiers, some Mayflies. But most everyone around here call them Midges. Chironomus plumosus to be exact.

Midges are small bugs that are very light in weight and hover in large swarms. They look like mosquitoes, sound like mosquitoes, but they don't bite. At least ours don't. I've heard of some that do, but thanks be to God that ours aren't that variety. They have a life span of just a few days. They swarm, mate, lay eggs and die. All in a matter of a week. But overall, we have midges here for about two weeks and then they are gone.

Doesn't sound so bad? Two weeks? "Deal with it, Nancy", I'm sure you are saying to yourself. But if you live near any body of water and have experienced midges, you know how annoying they are.

If you try to mow the lawn, you get a mouthful of the damn things with each step. Want to trim the shrubs? Forget it, unless you are donning a complete bee keepers get-up. If you go out on the front porch to retrieve the come back in the house dragging hundreds in your wake. They buzz down your shirt and get into all open, available orifices. It's really gross.

I've tried spraying. It doesn't seem to affect them.
Bug bombs. Nope. That doesn't work either.
Electric bug zapper. Yes this works, but there are SO many it's not all that effective.

They are attracted to light and heat. This afternoon I grilled some burgers for lunch. Every time I opened the grill top they would swarm in and it was all I could do to keep them from landing on the meat. They don't want to land there, they just get sucked in by the heat waves. Yuck.

And last night one of the window screens was not fitting quite right so there was the smallest crack left unsealed. Pair that problem with my daughter coming down to get a midnight drink from the fridge and leaving the light on.

I came downstairs in the morning to find my entire ceiling covered in a light film on midges....

Double yuck.

They smash easily, but leave a mark. So the best is to vacuum them up....or just wait for the bastards to die.

There was a baseball game in Cleveland a couple years ago when the midges were so bad they had to postpone the game. They showed up in the eighth inning. The swarms were one of the largest ever. The Yankee pitcher threw two wild balls and walked too runners because he couldn't see through them. Professional baseball almost got cancelled due to these damn little bugs!

So, I live for two weeks with swarms of midges. I'm a week in and already fed up with the little buggers. There are dead midges the house, in the car, on the car, all over the the refrigerator. You just can't get away from them.

You hear them buzzing at night. It's a weird alien sound...

I hate the damn things. Buzzing little bastards. I want to kill them all. Forever. Wipe them from the face of the earth. I think that maybe I should move a few more blocks to the south of the lake. They don't travel that far of yet.

I'm sure they will if I choose to move. And trust me, if you've ever dealt with might want to move too. Just don't move to Scotland. Their midges bite...

Footnote: Yesterday Theresa at An Officer and a Garbage Can, recently bestowed upon me the Kreativ Bloggers award. Thanks Theresa!

"I'd like to thank Theresa and all those who believe in me for this wonderful Blogging award. It was just what I needed to get me over the hump since my disappointing rejection from that Humor website (read about that here) that shall remain unnamed. And also a lame excuse to allow myself to buy another pair of black shoes....thank you. Thank you. Thank you!"

By accepting this award I am to nominate 7 more bloggers that I deem Kreativ AND give you 7 tidbits of information that you don't really want or need to know about me.

1. Pearl, Why you little.... recently 'found', Pearl gives me a smile a day.
2. Irish Gumbo. This guy has a wonderful writing if only he could find a desk.
3. Ann's Rants. Another recently found fellow female blogger with great witty outlook on life.
4. Mommy with a Penis. I've been following him for awhile. I've seen him go from 30 followers to over 170. Now how can I do that.....:-)
5. I don't even need a title. Bruce is a witty, funny young man blogger in California that has always proven it's worth a look see.
6. DigitalMCS. This guy is funny...'nuff said.

and finally;
7. The DPJ Weblog. Fantastic fictional short stories. Dark humor at it's best...

Now the tidbits. Hmmm.
1. I get my teeth cleaned four times a year.
2. I like to buy exercise equipment. I figure if I own it, then I can get it shape via osmosis....
3. I have just a few friends, but the ones I have are worth 20 each. Not dollars, 20 people...weirdo.
4. I usually have two computers running, each with 4 tabs open.
5. My eyes are dark blue if I'm hungover, green if I'm mad and gray-ish normally.
6. My entire wardrobe consists of black, gray, khaki and white. With just a few french blue shirts thrown in.
7. I'm a freelance visual window designer.

Now your life is complete...thanks again, Theresa for the award! I've just passed it on!


  1. Yeah, they SHOULD'VE stopped the game when Joba Chamberlain was getting swarmed, but NO. Friggin' midges cost my Yanks the ball game.

  2. Do you know I actually miss living by the lake and the midges?

  3. Hey Chris...I was actually AT that game and had to go inside it was SO disgusting. The damn midges were EVERYWHERE! The Browns used to wind games because visiting teams weren't used to our cold miserable conditions...the midges helped us out on that one with the Yankees!
    Too bad we can't win on our own...

    I'll bottle some for your Chrissy and bring them over. Better yet, swing on'll get a carful when you come to visit! You can have them! You can't possibly miss these bastards.

  4. You know, I rushed over here after mistakenly reading the post title as "Damn Bastard Midgets." It seemed a bit out of character for you, but everyone's got their pet peeve. Nonetheless, I enjoyed this installment, and feel more educated for having swung by from my midge (and midget)-free abode

    "They buzz down your shirt and get into all open, available orifices"

    No comment. That's something best left for a Larry Flynt edited science blog.

  5. Sounds like midges might be a perfect excuse to just stay inside and do NO yard work for two weeks. Good luck with the remaining week. By the way...great blog title. Totally funny!

  6. Thanks so much, Theresa! I enjoy you're writing, too.

    Midges not withstanding.

    I really appreciate the shout-out!

  7. Hey Michael....the bastard midgits blog should be out next week. I need to do a little more research first on that subject. And Larry hasn't returned any of my calls as of yet. I'll keep you posted!

    Theresa...I'm going to use that excuse if that's alright. Fact is, I already have! Thank you! I just love procrastination.

    Never do today what you can put off to tomorrow!

  8. I do not like midges, never have...

    However, I do like awards. Thank you for the Kreativ Blogger award, and your kind words!

    Irish Gumbo

  9. My mother's name (not given, but nick) is Midge.

    Thank you for the award!!


  10. Oh, I know just how you feel! Those little buzzing freaks drive me crazy, too! But you kept forgetting the T in midgeTs. ;)

    Hope you are soon bug-free!

  11. I know Rachel....has I added a "T" to each midge it would have entirely made the story a little more interesting...


    Although having a bunch of bastard midgets buzzing down my shirt and covering my ceiling while I slept is a little creepy! That and my wanting to have them all killed might land me in jail....

    Thanks for stopping by and the comment!


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