The weather was cold and rainy, the skies dark with no promise of sun. It was windy and nasty outside, the kind of day Winnie-the-Pooh would call 'blustery'.
It was a day that would have been best served to stay in bed, add another layer of blankets and call a movie-pajama day.
Unfortunately, I couldn't do that. I had an obligations to attend to.
The blustery day was fitting for the afternoon schedule...the funeral of a close friends mother.
As many of you might know, my own mother passed away in July. After not missing many of our daily talks, I miss her terribly. So to spend the afternoon celebrating my friends mothers life and hear her daughter Sydney; sons Michael, Kevin and Chris emotionally speak, it was heart wrenching for me to say the least. Silvia's memorial service brought back the fresh memory of my mother's. I would have preferred to be somewhere else.
On the drive home I received word that Cousin Jackie had passed away just an hour before. At age 57.
3 weeks ago Jack went to see his doctor. He had been experiencing some severe back pain. They ran some tests. He left with the notice his body was filled with inoperable cancer. He was told he had 1-2 months to live.
How does this happen?
3 weeks ago he was a vivacious, laughing force of nature and now he's gone?
My best friend Chrissy's dad has also been diagnosed with cancer. Although the doctors prognosis with his treatment is favorable.
But all this death and sickness has me in a melancholy mood. I think that it's the facing your own mortality that troubles me.
I didn't have my daughter until I was 36. About the same age my mother was when she had me. So it's probable that my daughter may be dealing with my death at about the same age that I am now in dealing with my mothers passing.
It worries me.
Will she be ready? Emotionally, financially? Is there anything that I can do now to prepare her?
So many questions. Life old questions.
My dad never really liked celebrating his birthday. I know now it's because he doesn't like to have it broadcast that he's older. It's like tempting fate or the grim reaper.
"Hey! You! Grim! I'm a year older....what'ya think about that, big boy!"
I know now why he was always a little testy around that time of year. The best thing was to just pass him and say, "Hey pop. Happy B-day" and leave it at that. Maybe take him to lunch, buy him a bowl of soup. But don't. Ever. Make a fuss.
He doesn't like that.
Now my brother? He likes to celebrate birth months....
A day isn't enough time to complete the celebration! He used to send me notes reminding me months in advance that the national holiday was approaching. Or buy me a calender for Christmas with his birthday already marked. Along with prior dates....
* save money for Charles's birthday.
* special order Charles's birthday present.
* arrange for ticker tape parade.
You get the picture.
I stopped by the jewelry store on Friday afternoon. I bought a beautiful gold band. I'm having my mothers name engraved on it. That way symbolically be with me at all times. And when I think of her, I can just glance at my hand and she'll be there.
I cried when I ordered it.
Right there in the middle of the store.
Yesterday at the funeral, I cried. For Silvia and for my mom.
On the way home I cried for cousin Jack.
I went to the store and cried in the car on the way home.
My eyeballs are a mess. My tear ducts are being overworked. Maybe it's just me, but I can't take much more of this. There's that superstition that death travels in 3's. On one regard I sure hope that's true. Because I've reached my 3.
Could someone mark off that tally card, please?
I'm in need a little break here...
Perhaps you all join me and make a toast today in honor of our loved ones, past and present?
That would be fabulous.
And quite fitting.
So please accept my apologies for being in a down mood. But let's all lift our glasses and change that shall we?
Let's hope Grim will stay away from our doorsteps for a little while longer.
This post is in memory of my dearest mother.
I love you mom...